The Blunt Optic

He acquiesced, then stood there with the pen in mid air for quite some time, came up with something quite bland and said “how about that?” I sighed internally and said well are you writing this or am I?  He said “we are BOTH writing this toGEther” and gave me a look.  We stood in silence, mulling it over.  Finally he said “I’m no good at this stuff.  This is a girl’s job. Boys are no good at this sort of thing”  [Ha!  What a cop out.  I might make him do more of them, since he so obviously needs the practice].  I said “well I’ve done hundreds by now” (possible slight exaggeration, but feels like it it true) “and this time it is your turn”.

His frustration eventually bubbled to the surface and he said, in exasperation, ok what about “Good luck. Whatever”.  I nearly pissed my pants laughing.  Good luck. Whatever.  ROFLMA.  

Because to be quite honest, I can’t count the number of times I would have loved to have been able to just throw down those words and post them off.  Of course I also mean all the things I say about joy and love and preciousness and dreams come true when I write them in a congratulations card. But sometimes the churlish me would love to express her jealousy and “oh my GOD not anOTHer one already!” sentiments and just say:

Good luck.

Whatever.

My folks are having their housewarming party on Saturday, but DH and I are going over there tonight after (his) work.  I’ll bake an Easter cake and some hot cross buns tomorrow and help shift some furniture around, while we await the descending of the crowd.  

This week’s 12-step focus was boundaries.  Whoo boy.  I have become more aware recently just how fuzzy my emotional boundaries are with my family, and how I take on a great deal of their emotional stuff.  So this weekend is all about practicing saying no to that.  I’m particularly reluctant to stand up for myself where my Mum is concerned, finding it ‘easier’ to smile and nod.  I don’t want her ire directed towards me, if I tell her I don’t want to hear her complaining, but really what is happening is that I end up taking all the crappy feelings on and feeling just as bad as she did when she began.  She, of course, gets to feel a little bit better because she’s just offloaded a whole heap of stuff my way.  She doesn’t feel totally fine though, because what hasn’t happened is her taking any responsibility for changing the way things are, or accepting them if she can’t change them.

Anyway, all I can really do is let my family know I am practicing developing healthy emotional boundaries, that I’m not very good at it yet, and while I am still a beginner it would be helpful if I could excuse myself from listening to their problems until such time as I can do so without feeling like I am taking the negativity on board.  Wish me luck in ‘Part One of Shedding the Caretaker Role’!

Today has been surprisingly relaxing, I’m pretty much all packed and ready to go apart from the esky, and the laptop.  There’s even time to do some inner child exercises and my meditation before DH gets home, so I’d better not waste it tooling around the innernet….

P.S. – my saffron crocus (x6) have sprouted.  I am VERY excited.  [Must remember to re-set the vermin traps before I leave this afternoon].

Yup. Wow. Not even an April Fool. Cycle 75 is here. Who WOULD have thought? Back in the day, I gave myself 6 cycles tops. Ha Ha Ha Ha. Now there’s an April Fool for you. (Now, before you go trying to calculate how many years that is, remember my cycles are very short, and I’ve managed to clock up 75 in just 5.5 years – even with a few partial pregnancies thrown in – how clever am I?)

• We are remaining steady in the war on vermin.  I can still hear them running about in the roof, but we are on top of the blighters that are stealing seed and chewing my seedlings in the shade house.  The saffron crocus hasn’t sprouted yet.  I’m hoping the ‘seed’ is still in the pots!
• A good friend’s adult daughter has been living with her again for the last 3 months and moping about the house a bit.  I told her if she was bored she could come over to my place and do some gardening, so she’s committed 2 hrs on a Tuesday afternoon, and began this week.  We got HEAPS of weeding on the brook line done, just in the nick of time before it all went to seed.  Next week is fertilizing everything with our worm castings, preparing beds for tulips and maybe even planting some garlic.  It is fabulous to have some extra help.  I might even get the daisy and lavender bushes pruned before it’s time to prune the roses…
• I should be mending my dress because I’m leaving for Busselton in 2 hrs, to attend my brother’s wedding tomorrow, and I want to wear that dress for the occasion. Nor have I wrapped the present or made a card.  My bag is mainly packed, though, and I did manage to get my legs, under arm and upper lip waxed today.  Unfortunately I can’t get my hair cut until after the reception tomorrow, so I’ll have to go looking a bit like a golliwog, but I might try to ham it up a bit and make it look like I MEANT to have a crazy ‘do.
• Um.  I read Twilight yesterday (cover to cover) and thankfully don’t have any of the others to hand or I would not be getting anything done for the next week.
• Zoe Heller’s The Believers is next on my list.
• DH and I have decided that the coffee grinder needs to go to the top of the purchase list and will do so in the next couple of weeks.  I am very excited about the prospect.
• I’m struggling with the abstract painting in art class.  It has to represent part/s (or all) of your life.  I did come up with an idea I liked but once I started to sketch it out and colour it in I sort of went off it.  I feel like I need to start again.  Luckily we have a 5 week break and then 3 weeks in class to finish it, so there is a chance I might get it done on time.
• My parents finally moved into their new home, after about 2 years (maybe longer) building it.  We are having a family get together there over Easter and I’m really looking forward to it.
• After almost 8 weeks of trying to lose a kilo, I gave up two weeks ago and just ate whatever I wanted (very naughty things, and a lot of them, I might add).  Wouldn’t you know, I lost 800 grams.  Ha.  That Universe really loves irony.
• We bought most of the windows (except the louvres) and doors (except the front stable door) for the potting shed.  I am trying not to hold my breath but I’m hoping that project will be completed by the end of winter, and we can get on with the cob chook house.
• Other upcoming events include a visit from MIL and two of her buddies from France, for the first weekend in April.  We’ll give them a little local tour and dazzle them with home made gourmet fare and send them on their way with some garden produce.  We’ve even washed all the North facing windows in preparation.  AND de-cobwebbed that side of the house.  I might get around to doing the rest of the cobwebs and window, and then again I might not.  Life’s short.
• I still haven’t bloody well oiled the deck.  The Sunday afternoon after the visitors leave, I am doing it and NO EXCUSES.  Ok, if it is raining, I clearly cannot do the job.  Or if I have a broken leg.  But otherwise.  It. Will. Be. Done.

Another big week at the font of self knowledge…

Did your mother ever say to you “It’s not WHAT you say, it’s HOW YOU SAY IT”? Well she said that to me when I was growing up. A lot. All the time in fact. And I got another reminder today in our 12 step group.

There is a chap who doesn’t say boo to a goose and a chap who will dominate the conversation if you don’t cut in. Both of these things have been bringing up feelings of anxiety for me and I voiced my conflict today with one of them. The boo to a goose chap consistently denies or denigrates his own needs, deferring to the more dominant people, and I challenged him to speak up, and speak out, asking him to interject whenever he felt he had something to add, instead of always waiting for an invitation to speak. I told him I felt like he wasn’t sharing very much of himself and that I felt like I was doing all the work and he was just along for the ride. [This ties in with the emotional care-taking pattern discussed further on. It triggers me when people act all helpless and as if they need to be invited to say their needs, or that you should know and attend to them without them having to actually say what they are].

The he brought up how he felt in art class last week when he broached me to talk about the 12-step group facilitator and I had cut him off abruptly saying I really didn’t feel comfortable discussing 12 step group out of context and he retreated feeling like I’d totally bitten his head off and couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I did admit that if I feel cornered or attacked then I will get bristly and aggressive in order to protect my personal space, and that was probably what had gone on there.

The group facilitator said “you are very good at being able to say what your needs are, but perhaps you need to work on your manner“. Very nicely put. (See, why can’t I put it that well? I would just blurt out something like “you are so confrontational, it is very hard to have a proper conversation with you sometimes!”).

Why is it that this part of social interaction comes so easily to some people? They just know the best way to put things that will smooth situations rather than inflame them, and it isn’t about acquiescence or capitulation – they can still get their needs met, but not at the expense of the other person feeling totally inadequate and put down.

One of the other group members offered this gem “if there is something you really want someone else to hear, then you have to couch it in a way that they will understand”. I do so struggle with that, the tailoring of whatever it is in order to help the other person feel comfortable. I see it as molly coddling, or pampering, watering stuff down. Why should I continue to play emotional caretaker? And if I have to be responsible for meeting my own needs, then why shouldn’t they? Why should I be responsible for not only myself but them too? This is the neglected child having a tantrum because she’s feeling manipulated into care taking. Maybe when the inner child feels safe, feels like she is getting her emotional needs met unconditionally, then maybe she’ll be able to view this situation in a different light. But right now she’s still fighting for protection and survival.

On reflection, I think that some of this behaviour stems from a communication pattern developed with my mother. She was so emotionally enmeshed with me, and dependent on me for her emotional support that I had to fight to keep my boundaries. I had to learn to be fierce and draw that line of fire around me across which she could not cross. Maybe I only had one good fight in me, at any one time, and so had to make sure that once she was down, she wasn’t getting up any time soon! [Certainly that seems to be her pattern, perhaps she developed it in order to protect herself from her father. And so it goes on until someone breaks the cycle]. To this day I keep her at arm’s length, and she still calls me “hard” and says “you have no compassion”. To be honest, I still don’t feel emotionally safe with her, and this is how I learned to protect myself. So in true human fashion I have applied the reaction across the board to any situation where I don’t feel safe, and of course the consequences are not pretty.

But when I do feel safe, I can let my gentle side out. One of the group members on the healing week spontaneously commented on how gentle she thought I was. Wow. It reduced me to tears. Nobody has EVER called me that before. [When I asked DH to say one word to describe me, he chose ‘ferocious’]. But I do see now that it is there, and it just doesn’t get much of an outing. Wondering how I can change this pattern of behaviour, I thought perhaps I could just practice feeling safe (even if I don’t feel safe) and act as if I DO feel safe and see what happens. More ‘letting go’, maybe. Kind of just jump and trust the net will be there. Not so much with my mother, because her side of the pattern is still set up, but with other people who don’t know me from a bar of soap. Imagine if I could automatically treat everyone as if they were on my side rather than starting from the position of them being the enemy.

And you know, the more I think about it, the times where I have done this in the past, I have felt good about the interaction, got my needs met, and came away with a pleasant feeling. When I use the enemy approach, I come away feeling anxious, shaken, like I’ve just done a round in the boxing ring, and sullied. So why don’t I take the friendly approach more often? The answer is that most of the time I just don’t think of it. I’ve already gone in boots and all before I even realise what is going on.

I guess it comes down to the first step of awareness – catching myself in the moment, before I react. Seeing the situation from outside, observing myself. Which means being more present more of the time, so that I am able to catch the moment. Then the second step is, in that moment, actively choosing a different path- choosing my response carefully and deliberately, instead of just using the well-worn knee jerk reaction. Taking more control (ironically) of my actions. And of my mind. Because my mind is the thing making the initial interpretation (enemy) of the situation, and unfortunately, due to some parenting hiccups, my mind has got off on the wrong foot.

But as an adult, I believe you reach the point where no matter how your behaviours developed, they become your responsibility to manage, and the time has come for me to make a solid commitment to adjusting this maladaptive conduct. Perhaps there was a time it served me, and I acknowledge and respect that as a child I did the best I could with what I had. Although that time has passed, I have not moved on, but rather remained stuck in that stage of development. Having become incontrovertibly aware of the whole plot, this is the juncture at which I must either accept accountability and do the work, or continue with the victim role and remain miserable, while being fully aware it is misery of my own choosing. Right now, doing the work seems rather daunting. I feel between a rock and a hard place. But while the rock won’t ever move, I know that with patience, awareness and persistence, the hard place will. And when it does, I will gain freedom.

I splashed out and bought a ticket for the day ($70 everything all day, or $60 just to see the headline concert), having a lovely time wandering about the streets popping in and out of tents, the town hall, the ampitheatre, the pub, listening to whatever took my fancy and hanging out with beautiful friends. The weather was perfect, the crowd were mellow, I had no responsibilities other than to enjoy myself, and to my surprise there was a lot of music I really enjoyed, so it was worth the extra ten bucks!

Anyway, Michelle Shocked was so unbelievably good (and I was not under the influence of anything, I swear) that I was moved to email her and thank her. Here is my (now open) letter:

Dear Michelle,

I hope you get to read this personally. I want to express tremendous thanks for your amazing effort to perform at the Nannup Musical Festival last night. I know I am not just speaking for myself when I say that you were loved, adored and appreciated beyond measure. My parents also wished me to add their name to that list, and all day they have not stopped talking about how great you were.

I stood at the centre front behind the row of young boys sitting on the speakers, and from there I was able to see your genuine smile and the love of what you were doing, of being so completely in the moment, shining through your eyes. That kind of presence is so incredibly rare, and inspirational to witness. Know that speaking your truth and honouring what you feel is right, having courage to speak out for your beliefs – this kind of sincerity is so desperately needed everywhere. And the more you generously share your self with others, the more people will be inspired to fulfil the calling of their own souls. Thank you for bringing these gifts (along with the formidable music, singing, song-writing and gutsy performance!) to this tiny pocket of the world.

Nannup was where I grew up, where, thirty years ago, I was a hippy child in a town full of red-necked mill workers. Memories Of East Texas resonates strongly with me for my spirit was sorely crushed by these people for many moons. I travelled the world as soon as I could, but if you’ve ever spent much time in the South West of WA you will know it has a strong draw and I have finally come (almost) home, now living in nearby Bridgetown (where the population is more diverse and open minded). Imagine how thrilled I was to be able to drive but half an hour to see my favourite International female performer, in perfect weather, in a stunning setting, surrounded by family and friends. What an absolute luxury. I feel so very blessed.

I can only hope you have gained as much as you have given, and please know that you will be welcome back again and again with open arms. I wish you a safe journey home and a successful upcoming album launch. Looking forward to purchasing it as soon as I can!

Much love,

P. hat (alias)

Phew. So much to say. Where to begin? I’ll start with today.

This morning I joined a local 12-step program and went to my first meeting. No, I’m not an alcoholic, nor am I dependent, or even co-dependent, but a good friend of mine runs the group and she reckons I can benefit from some of the stuff they go through. As this is the year to say ‘yes’ to all offers of personal development help, I went along.

So far, so-so. I like the fact our group is small (5 of us) but two of them yak on a lot, with details I see as unnecessary to the task in hand. However, that’s my problem really, and I’m sure I’ll work through it – by staying focussed on what I am getting out of the process.

I have come in at the week of ‘self responsibility’, having missed: ‘denial’, ‘chemical dependency’, ‘caretaking’, ‘detatchment’, ‘family dynamics’, ‘grief’, ‘sounds of silence’ and ‘the ABC’s’. Powerlessness, self esteem, sexuality and boundaries are coming up, and then I’ll go back and do the ones I missed. I can see by the titles there is much in there that I could work on. How about family dynamics for a start? And, hmm, let me see, what about grief, and powerlessness? Lack of control over reproduction tends to loom large in my life, so I’m sure they’ll have much to offer.

I’m hoping this program will give me some tools to work through some of the stuff I need to be able to let go of, in order to move forward into the land of peace and harmony. To be at peace with myself and my life as it is – this is my goal, and I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to get there.

Self-responsibility was a good start. Just getting myself there and being committed to healing shows a healthy dose of self responsibility, so I ticked that box. Then they talked about physical responsibility and I felt good about my health care regimen (enough exercise, sleep, good food, hygeine, etc) so I happily ticked that box as well. Next was Mental responsibility. Things like taking time out for relaxation, meditation etc (tick); being aware you have choices and working out what is right for you (tick) LEARNING NOT TO OVER COMMIT (oh. yes. well I am working on that one). So, I mostly did ok in that section. Emotional Responsibility – listening to your feelings and working out what they are trying to tell you. Well here is where I fell into the big hole. Being aware of feelings, and not blaming others for how you are feeling. No ticks for me there.

To digress for the moment- I have recently returned from a healing week run by survivors for survivors of childhood trauma. This was, for me, a life changing event. The biggest eye opener ever. A few really major light bulbs went on for me, and one of them was that, as a result of suffering quite extreme trauma as a child, I had almost completely shut down access to my feelings. I think quite a lot, and I had always thought these were my feelings. But no, thoughts are not feelings. Well what a revelation. What ARE feelings then? Things you FEEL. Well apart from anger and grief and a whole heap of frustration, I don’t think I actually feel very much at all. Which was quite a shock to recognise. Mentally shocking, though. I didn’t FEEL anything about the shock. I don’t know if this makes sense to any of you, but I came to find out it is a very common occurrence in people who’ve suffered major trauma.

Another huge thing for me was to discover a whole heap of people who had very similar idiosyncrasies to my own: who were quite intolerant of silly things; didn’t feel much; were not particularly emotionally empathetic to others (because their feelings were frozen), had major trust issues; had a LOT of critical messages going on in their heads; and were, on the whole, very angry and sad most of the time. For the first time in my life I was part of a group where I did not feel like a total freak. Where people accepted me and actually understood where I was coming from.

And I learnt that in fact, my intolerance to just about everything is related to the fact that just about everything has become a trigger for me. It seems that emotions and beliefs connected to our trauma can be triggered through our senses – here’s one most of you might relate to: seeing a pregnant woman rubbing her belly for hours on end may well get your heart rate going. Even just reading about it might get your heart rate going! That’s a trigger. The logic part of the brain doesn’t have time to respond before the primitive part (amygdala), and our survival mechanism kicks in to protect us.

Some triggers may make no sense at all. For me, a massive one is people invading my personal space, in my kitchen especially. I HATE it, and get really stressed out, even if DH is close when I am preparing food. I don’t know why I feel like this and it’s taken him a while to just accept that I am. Now I know it is a response to being triggered, I can work on it. There are tools, strategies, to deal with all of this stuff, and the good news is that if I do my work, I can heal.

The first step is to recognise you’ve been triggered. Not necessarily easy, it takes a lot of awareness to step back from a situation you’d normally just react to, and actually see that you are reacting and then think oh hang on, I’ve been triggered here. The second step is to name the feelings out loud. This is hard for me. I’m working on compiling a list of emotions so I can scan them and see if I recognise any as being appropriate. Mainly I just feel “aaaarggghhhh’ or anxious in some form. Very blurry. And when you’ve done that, hopefully said it to someone else, they can say “it’s ok to feel that way”, you get affirmation that you are normal (whoo hoo!). Finally you have to work out what you need in order to feel re-empowered in that situation. This is where the inner child work comes in, because you really need to dig deep to find that kind of stuff out. It is soul searching.

I’ve begun a process of working with my inner child through dialogue and drawing/painting. I use my dominant right hand for when I’m ‘me’ and my left hand for my inner child’s response. It has been very interesting (and sometimes quite confronting) to see what arises. Initially I thought it was terribly kooky and totally fake but I’m beginning to change my mind about that. I’ve got a couple of books by Lucia Capacchione (Revcovery of your Inner Child; The power of your other hand) and am working through the exercises, because I find that a bit of structure helps, especially at the beginning of something new.

Anyway, I’ve discovered that all of this stuff is really interwoven, like one whole gigantic package, and it is pretty hard to discuss in a linear way, so forgive me if I seem to be jumping all over the place. And here is a good time to mention what began all of this process: A book I read in March 2008 by Bruce Perry called The Boy Who Was Raised As a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist’s Notebook: What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love and Healing. What happens when a young brain is traumatized? How does terror, abuse, or disaster affect a child’s mind–and how can that mind recover? Child psychiatrist Bruce Perry has helped children faced with unimaginable horror: genocide survivors, murder witnesses, kidnapped teenagers, and victims of family violence. In The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, he tells their stories of trauma and transformation through the lens of science, revealing the brain’s astonishing capacity for healing. I picked it up because I love neuroscience and psychology and when I read it I was blown away, because I realised that I HAD SUFFERED TRAUMA to this extent, (abandonment, neglect, physical and emotional abuse) and I could see I behaved in ways described in the book and these revelations were very unsettling. So unsettling in fact that I forgot all about looking into it more (ok granted I got pregnant with my most recent ectopic that week and was a bit consumed by the aftermath for about 6 months). Then DH mentioned this healing week he’d heard of through a patient of his and I figured – year of saying yes to this stuff, I better enrol. So, on with the program….

Other stuff we learned on the healing week was about how a child’s brain can be physically affected in its development, by early trauma (got an informative power point presentation, but not sure how to link to that); about Transactional Analysis; and about attachment theory, all of which I found fascinating because they helped make sense of why I behave the way I do, and by knowing more, I can be more empowered to change. The reason I said yes to the 12 step program was that I thought perhaps I’d find some tools and strategies to help me with the change process.

I think I’ve made a great start. I’m already putting the nurturing of myself as number one priority – that was my promise to myself for this year. And the more I commit to this healing journey, the more help comes my way when I need it. I’m also trying not to bite off more than I can chew, to make these activities (painting class /inner child/ meditation/ 12 step group/ etc) remain pleasureable and not become ‘chores’. Practicing being gentle with myself. And now this month I have added: becoming more in tune with my feelings and recognising when I have been triggered. Phew. Again.

Um, so where was I when I digressed? It feels like a giant open bracket, and I hate those! Oh yes, the self-responsibility thing. So I now know I’m not too flash on the feelings, and that’s something I can work on. Next was social responsibility (be assertive about your social needs and communicate your likes and dislikes in an appropriate way) which I am ok at (I generally just don’t go out unless I REALLY feel like it!), and then spiritual responsibility, which was about being honest with yourself and making sure your thoughts and actions are aligned with your value set. It ended with saying: “Once you accept that you have no control over other people, their lives and their thoughts, and start taking full responsibility for your life, you will being to see how powerful and dynamic you can become in changing and restoring the areas in your life you would like to be different”. Hooley Dooley. Letting go of control! Stop wishing people would cease giving assvice! Is this possible????

I think this year for me, working on the spiritual aspect is going to take as much priority as the feelings will. Not wanting to bite off more than I can chew, I am going to set my goals around those areas and see where that gets me. Then from that new position, I can make the next set of goals and decisions.

So this is kind of ‘it’, so far, in a nutshell. I feel as though I have just stepped onto the right road, after searching for it my whole life (but I didn’t know what I was looking for). All that is left to add for this post is to express some deep gratitude. The amazing support network of incredibly good friends I have not only in my town, but all over the world, makes me feel so blessed because they assist me to take these steps in safe environment where I am not judged or criticised, but rather validated, heard and encouraged. Thank you, all of you.