Big Girls Don’t Cry

Um, these uterine contractions are excruciating. Anyone got a drug cocktail recipe that actually works?

I wonder if gin goes ok with a paracetamol/mersyndol combination….
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Poor old Michael Finnegan… Begin again.*

The weekend is nearly over and I’ve made it through ok. Yesterday I did nothing and was completely exhausted by 9pm. Today I did some gardening in the morning: quite a bit of cathartic pruning, and then DH and I planted a scarlet oak tree for our lost little one. It was very emotional. DH said some lovely words and then he told me “when you feel sad and don’t know what to do, you can come and sit here and put a little rock under the tree. I will too.” I replied: “I hope the pile of rocks doesn’t smother the tree”, and he laughed and said that the tree would have to just hurry up and grow quickly.

He’s still out there in the drab grey drizzle of the late winter afternoon, continuing on with the tree-lot planting project. My parents were coming over today to give us a hand, but my Dad woke up this morning feeling wretched and flu-y so thoughtfully kept himself and his bug at home. I spent the hours post-lunch in bed finishing a book. It has been a pretty low-key kind of weekend around here.
The d&c on Friday went smoothly. I was starving by the time I went into theatre, the previous list having run way over time because the usually quick surgeon had, that day, a learner-driver registrar in tow, who was doing some of the cases and holding things up. Whatever. Everyone has to learn sometime. But I was thankful no one was learning on me. When my doctor came around to get me to sign the consent form, and ask any questions, he smirked: “I suppose it would be unkind of me to tell you how much I enjoyed my pie for lunch just now”. Ha ha ha. I told him he was a bastard. After I was wheeled into the operating theatre and placed on that oh-so-thin, thin table, I mentioned to the anaesthetist that I was liable to swear at him as the anaesthetic went in, for the three seconds before I fell asleep, because it hurt like hot burning fire coursing through the veins in your whole body and it wasn’t much fun. He said it was fine to swear as long as I didn’t hit him. Turned out he used some maxalon first, which not only meant I had no nausea on waking, but somehow negated the pain of the knock-out drug and I didn’t feel a thing as I gently drifted off to sleep. In recovery, I woke up faster than any of the other patients that day (don’t tell your DH! the nurses said, but of course I did. Well to be fair, he wouldn’t have been on his best form while gassing for the surgeon that morning, and no one died either on the table or post op, so frankly I don’t think he was that bothered. But he was impressed with his colleague’s maxalon trick and said he thinks he’ll start using it himself).
I hung around in my private-room bed, trying to read to distract myself from the fact that I was still starving, until the panadeine forte kicked in and everything went a bit blurry. Then I just watched the clock, wondering how long I would have to wait before sustenance appeared. Turned out to be about seventy five minutes: nine and a half hours since I had last eaten. This is how they get you to actually eat hospital food, and think it is ok.
DH turned up fifteen minutes later and drove me home via the DVD store where deliberation took too long, and the nausea began to kick in, so we hurriedly made our choices and raced off to the medicine cabinet for a zofran wafer. Five minutes later I was all good and tucking into leftover pizza from the previous night, and watching a semi-depressing art-house movie called the Man Who Cried, starring Johnny Depp, Cate Blanchett and Christina Ricci. Despite the 1.5 tabs of temazapam and my effective painkillers, I didn’t sleep well, which probably contributed to the early crash and burn of Saturday.
Today I am all but normal again. The head fuzz has pretty much disappeared. I’ve barely any bleeding, and haven’t taken a painkiller all day. I am so ready to feel comfortable in my skin – all this bed-rest has become quite unbearable. I didn’t love the digital scales at the pre-op weigh in on Friday, which told me I’d gained 1.75 kg (3.8 pounds) in the last six weeks (most of which probably occurred over the previous week and a half, when I started finding solace in overeating, as I am wont to do in such situations). But the scales didn’t lie- my trousers are beginning to feel snug in the bum region, which is my first signal that I need to do so some exercise and lay off the chocolate for a while. I will start yoga tomorrow, do some body balance DVD at home for a few days and give myself another week before heading back to the gym, but I am ready to burn some calories, and generate some endorphins again. I’ve been sedentary since my first two week prac began on the 22nd of June, and I am just so desperate to get moving once more. I would in no way mind my body being hijacked for a good cause, but frankly, it never turns out to be for a good cause and I have to drag myself up from the bootstraps on a yearly basis and start again. Tedious doesn’t begin to cover it.
And so I embark on the next stage of my journey. The re-making of my self. The healing, the strengthening. I don’t feel beaten. I still want to fight the good fight but I see it might be time to rethink my strategy. Appointments have been made for October with a new doctor at my old IVF clinic, and a new doctor at a new IVF clinic. With them I will discuss the ins and outs of gestational surrogacy, which is newly legal in this state. I will also consider going straight to donor egg in January, if my donor is amenable. My preferred options are as follows in this order: my egg/DH sperm in surrogate womb; donor egg/DH sperm in surrogate womb; donor egg/DH sperm in my womb. I am not even going to bother with my egg/my womb. That combination has now failed seven times. Was it W.C Fields who said “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”? Indeed.
Thus my womb has gone from first to last in one fell swoop. After this experience I feel so jaded and tired of going through the early pregnancy motions only to have my body change just enough to be a pain in the arse, but not enough to carry a child to term, and then having to pick up the fucking pieces all over again, I am over it*. I just don’t want to do this even one more time. My priority is to find someone else, who thinks they might want to do it, and suck up to them hard. So I am putting the word out there. If anyone reading this post knows anyone who knows anyone who would remotely consider being a surrogate for us, please thrust my details in their pocket. However, being realistic, they would probably have to live at least in Australia, (though I intend to check out the logistics and legalities of intercontinental options, but not ones where we have to pay $125,000 because that just isn’t realistic) and preferably, but not compulsorily in this state. Surrogacy is altruistic here, too, so that wonderful woman would be doing this service unpaid (though medical expenses etc are taken care of by us). I know. It is a massive ask. But as I’ve always said: don’t ask, don’t get – so I’m asking, just in case I get lucky.
I mean, dude- I really could use a break.
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Nice try, but no cigar

Well I don’t think anyone here is going to be much surprised that I’m not making a ‘miracle’ announcement today. Too bad for those people IRL who told me off for being pessimistic – I’ll take a reasonable amount of good quality chocolate (70%+ cocoa content) as an apology.

On to the details: transvaginal ultrasound yesterday (8w6d) showed a disfigured gestational sac, and a small yolk sac – no detectable embryo. I’m thinking it died pretty soon after the previous scan and has since been reabsorbed. [Still, I intend to ask they test the material anyway, I don’t feel I have anything to lose by trying that]. The ultrasound tech I had was lovely, and I am so grateful I had someone who was competent and did not make any stupid comments. She had to show the pics to her superior (in cases like these it is procedure) and he turned out to be the chap who did my HSG last year. DH deals with him a lot on a professional level. He was terribly sorry for us, and even patted my hand (in a very non-patronising way).
The one good thing about the day: we went salvage shopping after the appointment and FINALLY found the second hand louvres we need to complete our garden shed. This search has gone on for at least half a year, if not more, and we despaired of ever sourcing them. They have good solid jarrah frames too, not the cheap arse tinny crap. So that was a small victory.
Also on a positive note, DH managed to wangle my d&c for today, lunchtime, so I don’t have to wait for days agonising over the upcoming event. I’m having it done at our local hospital by our family doctor (don’t panic! He’s a GP but also trained obs & gynae and has been doing this sort of stuff for thirty years – I’m in safe hands) who is coming in especially just to do my case. Obviously DH won’t be doing the anaesthetic, but I think he’ll pop in to see me before I go under, and he’ll come and pick me up again when he’s finished work. And being a public hospital it won’t cost me a cent. Isn’t it ironic that we pay well over two thousand dollars a year for top hospital insurance, but if I had this done at a private hospital it would still cost me almost a thousand bucks all up? Doesn’t make any sense to me at all. Well, I guess it does in a sort of way, because with private you pay to have choices – choice of hospital, doctor, specialists, and a much shorter waiting time etc. With public you get what you’re given, and you may well have to wait ages. I am just lucky that I happen to be getting what I would choose anyway, but that’s the benefit of small country town living.
So it was up early for me (6am) to stuff some food down my neck before nil by mouth came into effect at 6.30. As a result, I’ve dealt with the chicken stock I made yesterday, made a sort of chocolate hedgehog slice (but with semi dried sour cherries and home made quince paste) for a social event tomorrow and done 2 loads of dishes plus had my shower. You can see I am now at a loose end and filling my time by rambling away on here.
I was touched to see so many comments on my previous post, especially many from people who have not commented before. Thank you all for taking the time to come over and lend me your support. It may seem like only a few lines, or even words, but they are very important to me and I am grateful to everyone who says something. Anything. To know that I am not alone, that people can feel my suffering and stand beside me in my grief. This is what gets me through.
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Sorry, not a winner: Confessions of a (primary school) drop out

Here I sit, in bed, comforted by a heat bag and the sound of the brook running outside my bedroom door. It is 9 am, Wednesday 5th August and I intend to get through the day. Somehow.

I guess you can tell I am not on my prac. I pulled out during the school holidays. I’m glad I completed my two-week unit. Maybe I’ll go back and do the final 6 weeks and maybe I won’t. Right now, nothing is certain except my belief in my resilience, and thank god I have that because otherwise I couldn’t be sure I wouldn’t go and pop myself off.
The day is promising sunshine and blue sky, I have a friend coming over at 1 pm to help me in the garden. Birds are tweeting and I went outside earlier and was struck by the beauty of my surroundings and the deep solace I get from living on this piece of land. This is what keeps me grounded, connected to life, constantly reminding me of the here and now, the present moment, breathing this clean fresh air and feeling such peace.
And as I sit here and contemplate such things, my seventh baby is struggling to survive inside me. I am at a loss to describe how I feel. Terribly sad. The kind of sorrow that goes right to the bone, to the core of my being. I feel angry, in the sense of “this is not fair”. I feel tired and worn out from hoping and praying and doing the right things and being positive and giving it a chance and all of that endless cycle of hope that has yet to end in anything else but despair. I think I feel a bit dissociated. Part of my mind is producing images of myself careering back and forth from side to side across a small room, or something similar, flailing about at each end, flopping to the left, and flopping back again on the right. Something soothing about the repetition, perhaps it is a bit like an autistic behaviour, or cutting. The constant moving and banging of myself in my head keeps away thoughts and feelings that would perhaps undo me if I looked at them right now. But also it is probably quite reflective of how I feel about my situation. Back and forth back and forth, hoping in the middle and crashing at either end, over and over and over again. But still I go on. Without my resilience, in whatever form it takes, (and, perhaps, gravity, if you want to be pedantic about it) I should have flung myself off the earth years ago.
So here I sit. And wait. Wait for my baby to die. Wait to cry some more. To feel like eating. To feel like talking to someone, or reading a book, or painting. At the moment I need to be writing. It is cathartic.
It wasn’t my intention to get pregnant in the middle of my 2 week prac, but it happened. By 11dpo I had a faint pos on a pee stick and began progesterone pessaries for good luck, and clexane for the clotting disorder. This was day one of the school holidays. I agonised about whether to go back, whether to keep programming in case I did go back, whether to pull out now or wait and see. Given my history I didn’t want to be at school for a week or two and then discover I was miscarrying or worse, had another ectopic. I might need the kind of monitoring I’d have to be a t home to get. Did I want to be standing up all day trying to herd year ones around and be exposed to high risk of swine flu?
Sometime later that week I began spotting and cramping and lost my nerve. I quit my prac (everyone understood, but it is disappointing not to be finishing this year, nonetheless) and began beta monitoring for ectopic. By the middle of the following week, we could see that the beta levels were normal (for the first time ever) and doubling roughly as they should. We booked an ultrasound for 7w4d, continued the drugs plus almost daily acupuncture and a lot of nasty herbs, and hoped for the best.
Yesterday was that ultrasound. The sac measured 7w, the foetus measured 6w1d, the heart rate was 90. I’ve read enough scientific journal research articles to know that the prognosis is very very poor. I do not have the heart nor energy to entertain the wild one in a million chance that this will be ok, and I don’t wish to be judged negatively for that decision. Right now, evidence suggests that I am at a very high risk of impending miscarriage and my past experience suggests that evidence is generally right. So I am beginning my grieving process now, for what is to come, and for what will never be. On the other hand, I am also continuing with my progesterone and my clexane, because I do not wish future me to start up with all the ‘what if you did blah blah blah, things might have been different’ head fuck games it likes to play. So meanwhile, I stay with the meds, wait for the next ultrasound which is scheduled for next Thursday the 13th, think about booking the d&c for the following week, and we sob our bloody hearts out.
DH went back to work for the afternoon session following the scan. When he came home neither of us wanted much dinner. He had two gins, neat. I had some chocolate. We got out the cheese and crackers and sat around moping a bit and he said “this is like the wake”. I said yes, but the difference is this is not a socially recognised death. There will be no sympathy cards or flowers, like other people get when their loved ones die. This is my seventh loss and I have had one card and one bunch of flowers out of the whole previous six losses. It’s the silent death that nobody sees, nobody wants to talk about. People (in general) just simply can’t understand that this is a real to me as it would be to them if one of their living children suddenly lost their life. Anyway, poor me. Whatever.
And that’s the update. I don’t feel so much like a winner now. I had hoped to swan in here with good news and hope that come March 2010 I would have a baby in my arms, but no, just another due date to remember what might have been. And I won’t be 27 weeks pregnant when we go to South Africa in December for a friend’s wedding. And I won’t have a baby bump starting to show under my bikini when I go to Bali in September. And my SIL who is currently trying for #2 will probably get pregnant shortly, and have another baby close to my due date to remind me of what I’m missing, just like the first one.
Yep. Poor me. This sucks.
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Winning Streak

I won lotto this week. Twenty eight dollars and a few cents, thank you very much. I was quite chuffed. Also this week (probably last week but I haven’t checked in much lately) I won a prize from Sassy. Whoo Hoo! And then in addition to these wins, I also recently won my first blogging award: the Kreativ Blogger Award, given to me by Conor from Hold the Beef. Much appreciated, Conor!

Still unsure as to how exactly I qualified, and in fact, what it all really means, I am taking it nonetheless. That is if I can work out how to fulfil the claiming criteria. Also I am hoping there is not an expiry date as I have been very lax at addressing these. I googled it and checked out a few other blogs that had won in the past, and discovered that the memes had changed somewhere along the way, which I found interesting. Perhaps it is part of one’s creativity, to adapt the award as you go along! My creative spin was to add both of the images I found. However, I will do exactly as has been instructed by the following rules:

1. You must thank the person who has given you the award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who has nominated you for the award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
5. Nominate 7 other Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on the blogs to let them know they have been nominated.

My nominations for the 7 other Kreative Bloggers are:
1. Sassy from Over the Rainbow (and NOT just because she’s giving me a prize, I swear! If you check out her blog you will she is a bit of a masterchef among other things…)
2. Jim and Wood from Sweet Juniper! For their interesting combination of photographical exploits and examination of their local history
3. Heather from Dooce for her interior design, photographic skills and turn of phrase
4. Mel from Stirrup Queens for her all-round fabulousness and amazing ability to weave and maintain the web that is the world of infertility blogging. Without which I simply would not have made it through the long dark years.
5. Pamela Jeanne from Coming to Terms (among others) for sharing her journey with us in such an open and insightful way. AND then writing and publishing a book about it!!
6. Lori from Weebles Woblog for her free-range blogging on many interesting topics
7. Daisy from Still Stuck in the Middle With You because over the past two years she has re created herself – and that is no mean task!


7 Things that other people might (or might not) find interesting about me:
1. I didn’t get my driver’s licence until I was 21
2. My current favourite radio station plays 100% Bossanova
3. When introduced to the school principal on my first day of grade one, I apparently climbed onto his desk, put my hands on my hips and said: Hi, my name’s ***, what’s YOUR name?
4. I used to win a lot of competitions through teenage music magazines in the 80’s. Three of my bedroom walls were covered in A-Ha posters. I only threw them out this year.
5. My wisdom teeth, appendix and tonsils have all been removed. If I have another ectopic pregnancy my fallopian tubes will follow them.
6. My favourite cocktail is a Brandy Alexander
7. I still don’t understand why life is not fair, but I am trying not to let it bother me so much.


Ok that’s it. Now I just have to nip around to my nominees and let them know they’ve won something too!
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The beginning of the end…

So, not to leave you all thinking I am suicidal, I thought I’d better just knock out a quick post to inform you of my upcoming absence.  I’ll pop in when I can, but basically from now until the end of October, it’s foot-to-the-floor.

I’m about to do something I thought I wouldn’t be doing this year.  No, not IVF – I still hold fast to 2009 as the year off TTC – but I am (FINALLY) going to finish my grad dip ed primary teaching prac, and thus, complete my degree.  Whoo HOOO!  I’m not sure how it came about.  I enrolled last year, and I guess I had to decide whether I was going to pull out (which I had every intention of doing) or just go ahead and get it over with.  Last year I felt so unready and emotionally labile I couldn’t even contemplate doing the prac, so being able to face the idea of that now says a lot about my internal state, which is the most grounded it has been in a long while.
Which is not to say I am going into this all blithe and gay (though I am trying to use more positive self talk!) because I know it will be a lot of hard work, and my experiences of prac in the past have been extremely stressful.  However, I feel I am strong enough that it won’t break me and I won’t collapse in a screaming heap – which is maybe the best I can ask for.
The past fortnight has been consumed with paperwork, faxes, phone calls and general organising around finding a school, a mentor teacher and a supervisor, plus registering with the university and ensuring everyone involved has all the information they need before I begin. This has taken many hours of actual work, plus twice the number of hours in thinking time. Right now, all is well, and I meet with my mentor teacher tomorrow after school to discuss where she is at in her teaching program and how best for me to slot in.
The school I have chosen is not in my town, but the town next door, where I grew up and went to primary school in the 1970’s.  I’m going back there for a number of reasons: I wanted a small year one class, and that was on offer; the staff seem very supportive (principal, deputy and both classroom teachers all have great reputations); it is a 20 min drive from my folk’s house and I can stay there and be looked after (what a treat!); and it’s kind of an opportunity to exorcise the demons of my past – by immersing myself in the place where I spent ten miserable years being bullied within an inch of my life – I want to face that head on, see that things have changed, and move on in my emotional state.  Put it to rest and find some peace and forgiveness.
Meanwhile, there has been a lot of tying up of loose ends, completing projects and planning for the future going on at the same time as prac organising:
  • the sale of our Perth house finalises tomorrow (enormous amount of palaver involved)
  • all our 08-09 taxation paperwork is now in with the accountant
  • today is my last session at the 12-step program
  • tomorrow is the last painting class, where I will finish my self-portrait
  • yesterday we booked the flights and planned our accommodation for the post-prac holiday (4th Sept Darwin, 9th September Bali, 17th Sept back to Perth)
  • I’ve been making extra meals every day until the freezer filled to capacity, so DH can have nice tucker while I am gone
  • FIL came down at the weekend, with a cold.  I caught it and stayed in bed most of yesterday so I could recover quickly.  I’m fine today, thanks immune system, you rock!
So here’s the plan: leave on Sunday 21st June after my shiatsu session, and go set up at my parent’s place.  [No internet there yet, which means even if I had time to blog and keep up with my google reader, I can’t.  I might come home some weekends, but I haven’t a firm plan about that yet.]  
Teach 18 hrs in my first two weeks, then break for end of term.  During the 2 week break, write my ‘learning log’ and work on my research topic [I have to give a talk to the staff on something I have researched pertaining to their school] plus plan my lessons for the next 6 weeks ahead. Start back on 2oth July, teach 3-4 hrs a day for the first 2 weeks, then full time for the last 4 weeks.  Finish on Friday the 28th August, drive to Busselton for a haircut at 5pm and collapse in a heap!  *note to self: remember to contact friend to stay with that night so I don’t have to drive home in the dark.
Then I can revel in freedom for a week, or I can make a start on the portfolio that is due 23rd October, and pack for my tropical holiday.  I’ve pinned the flight itinerary up on the wall to remind me what I have to look forward to!!
And upon our return, it will be spring.  The tulips will be up, the sun may be shining, and all will be well.  [except I’ll probably have that portfolio to complete and hand in!]  I’m thinking of booking some appointments in Perth to interview potential new IVF doctors either October or November, and then planning to cycle in January when we get back from a wedding in South Africa (late December).  
I’d like to keep the rest of 2009 free though, and spend a bit more time in stillness and a LOT less time in ‘doing’.  Take time out from even all my self-improvement, and just be.  That might turn out to harbour the biggest challenge I face all year!
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The Colonel of Truth

My fifth-step meeting is in two days, and I have been working on my ‘fearless moral inventory’ for the past week.  This is ‘go to your room and have a good hard look at yourself’ time.  

The areas of self assessment to focus on and write about are: tolerance/intolerance; humility/false pride; perfectionist/admitting mistakes; being yourself/being phoney; sharing/selfishness; being honest/alibis; honest thinking/dishonest thinking; getting the job done/putting things off; freedom from guilt/guilt feelings; acceptance/fear; being grateful/taking things for granted; patience/impatience; trust/abandonment; feeling good about yourself/self pity; forgiveness and understanding/resentment.

I’ve put a good many hours into it, as you can imagine a perfectionist would, and unsurprisingly to me, there was a great deal of anger and resentment flowing on to the pages of the novella. The point, at the end of all the writing is to look back and see if you can find a common thread. The ‘fatal flaw’ they call it.  The consistent element influencing your behaviour.  I thought mine was bound to be anger and resentment, and I said so to the counsellor in my fourth step meeting last week, before I began this work.  She smiled and said “you might be surprised to find it is something different than what you expect”.
I was.
Can you guess?  
It was worthlessness (with trust issues running a close second!)
This is the crux of it all, what the rest of my belief system seems to hang upon, and it begins thus:
  • I was abandoned because I am not worthy
  • I was left unprotected from emotional abuse as a child because I am not worthy
  • I was betrayed by my lovers, my teachers, my peers, because I am not worthy
  • I have to justify my existence constantly, because I am not worthy
  • I must always seek to attain perfection, because I am not unconditionally worthy.
As I am, without perfection, I am not worthy of:
  • belonging
  • safety
  • love
  • acceptance
  • attention
  • interest
  • admiration
  • praise
  • acknowledgement
  • peace/happiness/joy
And so now I can see where this belief has led me – to wonder that deep down, if this is why I am failing to become a mother.
I am not worthy.
I guess this is the nadir of all my soul searching.  Here I am, with a wealth of experience that tells me if you open up sufficiently to let a person in, inevitably they will betray you with a dagger through the heart, tear you to shreds or leave you forsaken.  Beware! Beware! Shouts my inner child.  ‘They’ CANNOT BE TRUSTED!!!
And so.  It would be nice not to dwell much longer down here, cold and lonely as it is.  The next step, then, is finding the way out, back up, into a solid inner sense of self worth.  One that can withstand the barrage of daily life, the comments from thoughtless unsuspecting passersby, the potential triggers unleashed in any social encounter.  One that can cope with making a few mistakes, being late now and again, maybe even failing to bear children. One that doesn’t need the wall of criticism, judgement and intolerance to constantly defend herself against the ‘enemy’.  One that feels comfortable and safe in opening up, reaching out, being vulnerable.
Any tips?
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The rain has come!!!

SAID HANRAHAN

“We’ll all be rooned,” said Hanrahan
In accents most forlorn
Outside the church ere Mass began
One frosty Sunday morn.

The congregation stood about,
Coat collars to the ears,
And talked of stock and crops and drought
As it had done for years.

“It’s looking crook,” said Daniel Croke;
“Bedad, it’s cruke, me lad,
For never since the banks went broke
Has seasons been so bad.”

“It’s dry, all right,” said young O’Neil,
With which astute remark
He squatted down upon his heel
And chewed a piece of bark.

And so around the chorus ran
“It’s keepin’ dry, no doubt.”
“We’ll all be rooned,” said Hanrahan,
“Before the year is out.”

“The crops are done; ye’ll have your work
To save one bag of grain;
From here way out to Back-o’-Bourke
They’re singin’ out for rain.

“They’re singin’ out for rain,” he said,
“And all the tanks are dry.”
The congregation scratched its head,
And gazed around the sky.

“There won’t be grass, in any case,
Enough to feed an ass;
There’s not a blade on Casey’s place
As I came down to Mass.”

“If rain don’t come this month,” said Dan,
And cleared his throat to speak –
“We’ll all be rooned,” said Hanrahan,
“If rain don’t come this week.”

A heavy silence seemed to steal
On all at this remark;
And each man squatted on his heel,
And chewed a piece of bark.

“We want an inch of rain, we do,”
O’Neil observed at last;
But Croke ‘maintained’ we wanted two
To put the danger past.

“If we don’t get three inches, man,
Or four to break this drought,
We’ll all be rooned,” said Hanrahan,
“Before the year is out.”

In God’s good time down came the rain;
And all the afternoon
On iron roof and window-pane
It drummed a homely tune.

And through the night it pattered still,
And lightsome, gladsome elves
On dripping spout and window-sill
Kept talking to themselves.

It pelted, pelted all day long,
A-singing at its work,
Till every heart took up the song
Way out to Back-o’-Bourke.

And every creek a banker ran,
And dams filled overtop;
“We’ll all be rooned,” said Hanrahan,
“If this rain doesn’t stop.”

And stop it did, in God’s good time:
And spring came in to fold
A mantle o’er the hills sublime
Of green and pink and gold.

And days went by on dancing feet,
With harvest-hopes immense,
And laughing eyes beheld the wheat
Nid-nodding o’er the fence.

And, oh, the smiles on every face,
As happy lad and lass
Through grass knee-deep on Casey’s place
Went riding down to Mass.

While round the church in clothes genteel
Discoursed the men of mark,
And each man squatted on his heel,
And chewed his piece of bark.

“There’ll be bush-fires for sure, me man,
There will, without a doubt;
We’ll all be rooned,”said Hanrahan,
“Before the year is out.”

P. J. Hartigan (‘John O’Brien’)

Whoo Hooo!!!
The long dry summer is over and the long-awaited rain has been pelting down all night, giving us 36mm in the gauge in 12 hours. It is thrilling. The brook is up and running, muddy and stinksome as it gets a good first flush out. We’ve turned our automatic reticulation system off and hope to leave it that way until November, with any luck.

DH is out in his farmer Joe clothes racing around with the ladder on the slippery deck and roof, checking the gutters are clear so we can save every last drop into our tanks. This water is more precious than gold. What we can collect now will feed our fruit trees, vegetables, (and us), all through next summer. I hope it rains for a week.

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Happy Thursday to You*

* Excerpt from Russell Hoban: A birthday for Frances
Happy Thursday to you
Happy Thursday to you
Happy Thursday dear Alice,
Happy Thursday to you.
“Who is Alice?” asked Mother.
“Alice is somebody that nobody can see”, said Frances.  “And that is why she does not have a birthday.  So I am singing happy Thursday to her.”… “Yes she does,” said Mother….”Alice has one birthday every year, and so do you…but tomorrow is Gloria’s birthday and she will be the birthday girl.”
“That’s how it is, Alice,” said Frances.  “Your birthday is always the one that is not now.”
So, happy Thursday to you, peoples of the internet, for today is MY birthday and I’m revelling in the glory!!!
DH made me a splendid egg on toast with freshly ground brand new Arabica organic, Australian grown coffee that arrived in a special package yesterday.  Then I opened my pistachio green ipod, complete with inscription on the back.  He also hand made me a couple of dibbers which I have been wanting for years.  I’ve had to plant my 550 garlic bulbs without them, but they are just in time for my tulips!
MIL gave me the style manual.  No excuse now for sloppy writing!  My BFF sent me, from the UK, an incredible racy red frilly bikini.  I’ve never had anything like it, and have fallen completely in love with it already.  I can’t wait to go to Bali in September to try it out!!! You’ll have to wait that long for the pics…

birthday loot 09

I’ve been so busy fielding birthday phone calls and synching the ipod that I haven’t had time to get dressed, nor have I yet opened the present from my parents.  So much to look forward to…
Another glorious day here, it must be one of the warmest autumns on record.  Clear blue sky, with the sun already streaming fiercely through the yellow leaves on the willow tree outside the window, as I type this, turning them a bright golden hue.  The claret ashes behind me have been a deep deep crimson for a few weeks now, and the pair of liquid ambers to my left growing a softer scarlet.  The mornings are very crisp (down to 1C overnight) but the maximum temperatures are in the high twenties by mid afternoon.
willow autumn 09

liquid amber autumn 09

On the agenda: lunch with a select few Taureans at the local hotel; walking group at 4pm, then dinner at a close friend’s after work, to try out her newly constructed outdoor pizza oven. Whoo hoo!!
Tomorrow: the birthday celebrations continue as we combine with two couples and head down to Walpole for a weekend of walks, games, feasts, sea kayaking, and general merriment.  I will bake a nutella cake for the occasion.   Mmmmm.  Did someone mention food???
I hope you all enjoy your Thursday as much as I will.  Happy Thursday to YOU!
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Selling out

Tomorrow I am selling 25 bucks worth of tomatoes to the Cidery, plus maybe 5 zucchinis. Last week I made $22 out of the same process. Recently I sold $100 worth of garlic and made about $150 or so from preserved lemons. Granted, I’m not ever going to pay the bills with such wealth, but it IS kind of cool to think that 2.5 yrs ago I didn’t even have a garden, and now I’m producing so much food I have excess to sell. If I can get to the point where it pays for the fertilizer, seeds, potting mix etc I’ll be doing well. Taking into account such items, plus water and time, I’m sure we pay much more for our food than if we bought it from the shop. But the food miles are down. And there’s nothing like picking and eating right off the vine. Or having broccoli on tap all year round while some are paying $8/kg for the stuff.

And the buzz I’m getting from the fact that people want to PAY me for it, well that’s priceless.

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