There should be some sort of prize, similar to anniversary gifts, going on in our world. You know, like 1st is paper, 5 is wood, 10 pottery, 15 crystal – that sort of thing. To begin with, you get the prize with the BFP (rather like you get the present with the anniversary) Then, as time goes by, it becomes more of a consolation prize, as it becomes clear you are not gonna be getting nuthin’ else at this rate!
BFP Cycle 1 (paper)- So, you get pregnant (*and successfully carry to term a live child) on your 1st cycle trying, the prize is YOU DON’T HAVE TO SUFFER. No, really, what about a congratulations card saying how clever you are to be going to have a baby in 9 month’s time? Oh, yes, I forget. People already do get those.
Let’s face it, if you’re getting prizes on cycle 1 you don’t live in IF land, so we’ll just move on shall we…
BFP Cycle 5 (wood) – perhaps a baseball bat, to fend off surly and bitter IFer’s who can’t stand to hear you moaning about how LONG it took you to become pregnant.
BFP Cycle 10 (pottery)- Phew that was close. You were starting to get a little worried there for a while, weren’t you? Not sure how much more of the stress you could stand; thinking you might have to go in for some testing; worried that your sex life was beginning to get a bit regimented? Lurking on the’ TTC over 12 months’ boards and getting the courage up to post? Or perhaps you’d been posting there since cycle 6, because it just FELT like so long already. Well endure no longer. Those two pink lines have just put you squarely into the ‘normal’ category, and over onto the ‘pregnant’ boards. Congratulations! Breathe a sigh of relief and thank God you are getting off at this stop. A customised mug with a lame inscription is on its way to you right this minute.
BFP Cycle 15 (crystal)- ok now you are really starting to hang out on the IF boards and feeling like you fit in. But seriously, 15 cycles is actually not that long a wait (according to me and this is my post so if you don’t agree, I believe FF does a great line in bitching about this particular topic – you might want to take your beef over there) so your prize here (apart from the obvious) is a crystal ball. The one you looked into when you just KNEW it was always going to happen for you.
BFP Cycle 20 (china) Coming up to the 2 year mark, probably the biggest anniversary in IF land. Because even though other people may go on to 5, 10, endless years, somehow you think that you’ll definitely be pregnant in two years (surely?) So I’m thinking a porcelain box, hand-painted with a four leaf clover and inscribed “hope, faith, love, luck”. You’ve just hit the jackpot. [I actually did find this item on line, just in case you think I made it up – it does exist!]
Cycle 25 (silver) Ok, now you start to rethink the whole game plan. Your picture of yourself changes. Instead of waiting impatiently for a BFP, now you start re-evaluating everything. Every. Little. Thing. You’ve probably tried vitamins, soy, legs in the air, sex every day, pineapple core-(you name it, I’ve certainly tried it!) You start letting thoughts like “what if I NEVER HAVE A CHILD” creep into your mind, even though you try not to entertain them for very long. This is definitely the ‘other side’ of the median, and you deserve a fucking prize, my friend, just for still being alive at this point. And just because you are not getting to choose very much else at this stage, you get to choose whatever shiny silver thing you like. Yay!
Cycle 30 (pearl) Ah. We know how the pearl is made- through the pain and suffering of the oyster. Seems kind of apt here. If you’ve made it this far you’ve probably resigned yourself on some level, to a modicum or more of pain and suffering, and are starting to think more along the lines of ‘marathon’ rather than ‘sprint race’. How about a mother of pearl ashtray? I mean, you may as well take up smoking again – look what cutting back got you – a big fat nothing, that’s what!
Cycle 35 (coral) I’m thinking scuba diving at this point (for the non-smokers). You might not want to hear this, people, but it’s time to start thinking about planning real holidays and making future arrangements based on the status quo, rather than the old “but what if I get pregnant next cycle?” imaginings. No, I am NOT saying “just go on holiday and you’re sure to get pregnant”. I’m saying, you might as well begin engaging in your life again, because you’re living it now, whether you like it or not. And you’ve been living it for the last 35 cycles, although they may have seemed more like auto pilot. Now is the time to take back the controls, and start directing your life at something other than a BFP.
Cycle 40 (ruby) Hmm. Mostly it’s jewellery at the ruby stage. And I’m aware that our DH’s haven’t been receiving any gifts along the way, so perhaps a little something to keep them interested would be appropriate? And what says “Good Lord we’ve been at this a while, haven’t we love?” better than a ruby encrusted wristwatch?
Cycle 45 (sapphire) It’s a good thing we aren’t buying these gifts ourselves, because candidly, who’d have the money spare after potential (and seemingly endless) consumption of vitamins/ Chinese herbs/ OPKs/ HPTs/ OBGYN appointments/ RE appointments/ acupuncture/ clomid/ femara/ IUI/ DIUI/ DE/ IVF/ ICSI/ PGD? To be honest, you’ve likely taken out a second mortgage on your home by now. I’m not joking. So what’s it to be, in sapphire then? How about cufflinks? Frankly, I don’t give a rat’s arse. If I can’t have a baby, I’m just not that interested in second prize.
Cycle 50 (gold) Coming into your fourth year TTC. Hangin’ with the elite posse now. Talking like you know some shit. You get to cast withering glances and roll your eyes at the noobs who post endless shots of their barely dried pee sticks, pleading for you to pronounce them pregnant. In fact, why don’t we make this prize the gold ingot pee stick and hang it on a gold chain? Beautiful. Brethren will know each other by this sign…
Cycle 55 (emerald) If anyone could explain to me why emerald is worth more than gold, I’d be ever so grateful.
Cycle 60 (diamond) The big time. You’ve probably been at this about 5 years now. Have you thought about adopting? [Um, no, what do you think – it never crossed my mind????] Or isn’t it just time you threw in the towel? Because, truthfully, you don’t actually expect to get pregnant now do you? After all this time? What on earth could possibly change for the better? You think you’re getting more fertile each passing year? Sigh. Look, diamonds are very controversial these days. You need to be concerned for their provenance, so you’re not supporting warfare, KWIM?Let me fill you in: Blood Diamonds– “diamonds that originate from areas controlled by forces or factions opposed to legitimate and internationally recognized governments, and are used to fund military action in opposition to those governments, or in contravention of the decisions of the Security Council.” So you’ll have to go for an old antique ring or something, and in case you haven’t noticed, they’re not cheap. Oh stuff it. Just take the Koh-i-Noor and be done with it.
And what do I get at cycle 75? Sadly, I am off the scale. Seems like the gifts stop at 60, so nothing for me. (Well, apart from all the booty I’ve clocked up along the way, obviously, let’s not discount that, it was a fair haul). I guess people don’t seriously expect you to be trying for this long. Either you got pregnant somewhere between 1-50-ish or you just gave up. Or at least you should have. They only added in the 55 & 60 as outliers – they weren’t really expecting anybody to actually use them.
How to get around the problem? What about this for a plan? 60 + 15 = 75, so I add the diamond with the crystal. That works. I think I’ll put in a request for diamond studded crystal figurines. Let’s say angels. Let’s say 7 of them. That sounds fair. All I have to do now is work out where to send the order.
Frankly, if I’d worked that one out by now I would have just put in a damn application for a baby instead. And anyway. I hate dusting.
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