This morning I joined a local 12-step program and went to my first meeting. No, I’m not an alcoholic, nor am I dependent, or even co-dependent, but a good friend of mine runs the group and she reckons I can benefit from some of the stuff they go through. As this is the year to say ‘yes’ to all offers of personal development help, I went along.
So far, so-so. I like the fact our group is small (5 of us) but two of them yak on a lot, with details I see as unnecessary to the task in hand. However, that’s my problem really, and I’m sure I’ll work through it – by staying focussed on what I am getting out of the process.
I have come in at the week of ‘self responsibility’, having missed: ‘denial’, ‘chemical dependency’, ‘caretaking’, ‘detatchment’, ‘family dynamics’, ‘grief’, ‘sounds of silence’ and ‘the ABC’s’. Powerlessness, self esteem, sexuality and boundaries are coming up, and then I’ll go back and do the ones I missed. I can see by the titles there is much in there that I could work on. How about family dynamics for a start? And, hmm, let me see, what about grief, and powerlessness? Lack of control over reproduction tends to loom large in my life, so I’m sure they’ll have much to offer.
I’m hoping this program will give me some tools to work through some of the stuff I need to be able to let go of, in order to move forward into the land of peace and harmony. To be at peace with myself and my life as it is – this is my goal, and I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to get there.
Self-responsibility was a good start. Just getting myself there and being committed to healing shows a healthy dose of self responsibility, so I ticked that box. Then they talked about physical responsibility and I felt good about my health care regimen (enough exercise, sleep, good food, hygeine, etc) so I happily ticked that box as well. Next was Mental responsibility. Things like taking time out for relaxation, meditation etc (tick); being aware you have choices and working out what is right for you (tick) LEARNING NOT TO OVER COMMIT (oh. yes. well I am working on that one). So, I mostly did ok in that section. Emotional Responsibility – listening to your feelings and working out what they are trying to tell you. Well here is where I fell into the big hole. Being aware of feelings, and not blaming others for how you are feeling. No ticks for me there.
To digress for the moment- I have recently returned from a healing week run by survivors for survivors of childhood trauma. This was, for me, a life changing event. The biggest eye opener ever. A few really major light bulbs went on for me, and one of them was that, as a result of suffering quite extreme trauma as a child, I had almost completely shut down access to my feelings. I think quite a lot, and I had always thought these were my feelings. But no, thoughts are not feelings. Well what a revelation. What ARE feelings then? Things you FEEL. Well apart from anger and grief and a whole heap of frustration, I don’t think I actually feel very much at all. Which was quite a shock to recognise. Mentally shocking, though. I didn’t FEEL anything about the shock. I don’t know if this makes sense to any of you, but I came to find out it is a very common occurrence in people who’ve suffered major trauma.
Another huge thing for me was to discover a whole heap of people who had very similar idiosyncrasies to my own: who were quite intolerant of silly things; didn’t feel much; were not particularly emotionally empathetic to others (because their feelings were frozen), had major trust issues; had a LOT of critical messages going on in their heads; and were, on the whole, very angry and sad most of the time. For the first time in my life I was part of a group where I did not feel like a total freak. Where people accepted me and actually understood where I was coming from.
And I learnt that in fact, my intolerance to just about everything is related to the fact that just about everything has become a trigger for me. It seems that emotions and beliefs connected to our trauma can be triggered through our senses – here’s one most of you might relate to: seeing a pregnant woman rubbing her belly for hours on end may well get your heart rate going. Even just reading about it might get your heart rate going! That’s a trigger. The logic part of the brain doesn’t have time to respond before the primitive part (amygdala), and our survival mechanism kicks in to protect us.
Some triggers may make no sense at all. For me, a massive one is people invading my personal space, in my kitchen especially. I HATE it, and get really stressed out, even if DH is close when I am preparing food. I don’t know why I feel like this and it’s taken him a while to just accept that I am. Now I know it is a response to being triggered, I can work on it. There are tools, strategies, to deal with all of this stuff, and the good news is that if I do my work, I can heal.
The first step is to recognise you’ve been triggered. Not necessarily easy, it takes a lot of awareness to step back from a situation you’d normally just react to, and actually see that you are reacting and then think oh hang on, I’ve been triggered here. The second step is to name the feelings out loud. This is hard for me. I’m working on compiling a list of emotions so I can scan them and see if I recognise any as being appropriate. Mainly I just feel “aaaarggghhhh’ or anxious in some form. Very blurry. And when you’ve done that, hopefully said it to someone else, they can say “it’s ok to feel that way”, you get affirmation that you are normal (whoo hoo!). Finally you have to work out what you need in order to feel re-empowered in that situation. This is where the inner child work comes in, because you really need to dig deep to find that kind of stuff out. It is soul searching.
I’ve begun a process of working with my inner child through dialogue and drawing/painting. I use my dominant right hand for when I’m ‘me’ and my left hand for my inner child’s response. It has been very interesting (and sometimes quite confronting) to see what arises. Initially I thought it was terribly kooky and totally fake but I’m beginning to change my mind about that. I’ve got a couple of books by Lucia Capacchione (Revcovery of your Inner Child; The power of your other hand) and am working through the exercises, because I find that a bit of structure helps, especially at the beginning of something new.
Anyway, I’ve discovered that all of this stuff is really interwoven, like one whole gigantic package, and it is pretty hard to discuss in a linear way, so forgive me if I seem to be jumping all over the place. And here is a good time to mention what began all of this process: A book I read in March 2008 by Bruce Perry called The Boy Who Was Raised As a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist’s Notebook: What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love and Healing. What happens when a young brain is traumatized? How does terror, abuse, or disaster affect a child’s mind–and how can that mind recover? Child psychiatrist Bruce Perry has helped children faced with unimaginable horror: genocide survivors, murder witnesses, kidnapped teenagers, and victims of family violence. In The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, he tells their stories of trauma and transformation through the lens of science, revealing the brain’s astonishing capacity for healing. I picked it up because I love neuroscience and psychology and when I read it I was blown away, because I realised that I HAD SUFFERED TRAUMA to this extent, (abandonment, neglect, physical and emotional abuse) and I could see I behaved in ways described in the book and these revelations were very unsettling. So unsettling in fact that I forgot all about looking into it more (ok granted I got pregnant with my most recent ectopic that week and was a bit consumed by the aftermath for about 6 months). Then DH mentioned this healing week he’d heard of through a patient of his and I figured – year of saying yes to this stuff, I better enrol. So, on with the program….
Other stuff we learned on the healing week was about how a child’s brain can be physically affected in its development, by early trauma (got an informative power point presentation, but not sure how to link to that); about Transactional Analysis; and about attachment theory, all of which I found fascinating because they helped make sense of why I behave the way I do, and by knowing more, I can be more empowered to change. The reason I said yes to the 12 step program was that I thought perhaps I’d find some tools and strategies to help me with the change process.
I think I’ve made a great start. I’m already putting the nurturing of myself as number one priority – that was my promise to myself for this year. And the more I commit to this healing journey, the more help comes my way when I need it. I’m also trying not to bite off more than I can chew, to make these activities (painting class /inner child/ meditation/ 12 step group/ etc) remain pleasureable and not become ‘chores’. Practicing being gentle with myself. And now this month I have added: becoming more in tune with my feelings and recognising when I have been triggered. Phew. Again.
Um, so where was I when I digressed? It feels like a giant open bracket, and I hate those! Oh yes, the self-responsibility thing. So I now know I’m not too flash on the feelings, and that’s something I can work on. Next was social responsibility (be assertive about your social needs and communicate your likes and dislikes in an appropriate way) which I am ok at (I generally just don’t go out unless I REALLY feel like it!), and then spiritual responsibility, which was about being honest with yourself and making sure your thoughts and actions are aligned with your value set. It ended with saying: “Once you accept that you have no control over other people, their lives and their thoughts, and start taking full responsibility for your life, you will being to see how powerful and dynamic you can become in changing and restoring the areas in your life you would like to be different”. Hooley Dooley. Letting go of control! Stop wishing people would cease giving assvice! Is this possible????
I think this year for me, working on the spiritual aspect is going to take as much priority as the feelings will. Not wanting to bite off more than I can chew, I am going to set my goals around those areas and see where that gets me. Then from that new position, I can make the next set of goals and decisions.
So this is kind of ‘it’, so far, in a nutshell. I feel as though I have just stepped onto the right road, after searching for it my whole life (but I didn’t know what I was looking for). All that is left to add for this post is to express some deep gratitude. The amazing support network of incredibly good friends I have not only in my town, but all over the world, makes me feel so blessed because they assist me to take these steps in safe environment where I am not judged or criticised, but rather validated, heard and encouraged. Thank you, all of you.
4 Responses to Personal Development Year really kicks off