Keep your eyes on your own work

Another big week at the font of self knowledge…

Did your mother ever say to you “It’s not WHAT you say, it’s HOW YOU SAY IT”? Well she said that to me when I was growing up. A lot. All the time in fact. And I got another reminder today in our 12 step group.

There is a chap who doesn’t say boo to a goose and a chap who will dominate the conversation if you don’t cut in. Both of these things have been bringing up feelings of anxiety for me and I voiced my conflict today with one of them. The boo to a goose chap consistently denies or denigrates his own needs, deferring to the more dominant people, and I challenged him to speak up, and speak out, asking him to interject whenever he felt he had something to add, instead of always waiting for an invitation to speak. I told him I felt like he wasn’t sharing very much of himself and that I felt like I was doing all the work and he was just along for the ride. [This ties in with the emotional care-taking pattern discussed further on. It triggers me when people act all helpless and as if they need to be invited to say their needs, or that you should know and attend to them without them having to actually say what they are].

The he brought up how he felt in art class last week when he broached me to talk about the 12-step group facilitator and I had cut him off abruptly saying I really didn’t feel comfortable discussing 12 step group out of context and he retreated feeling like I’d totally bitten his head off and couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I did admit that if I feel cornered or attacked then I will get bristly and aggressive in order to protect my personal space, and that was probably what had gone on there.

The group facilitator said “you are very good at being able to say what your needs are, but perhaps you need to work on your manner“. Very nicely put. (See, why can’t I put it that well? I would just blurt out something like “you are so confrontational, it is very hard to have a proper conversation with you sometimes!”).

Why is it that this part of social interaction comes so easily to some people? They just know the best way to put things that will smooth situations rather than inflame them, and it isn’t about acquiescence or capitulation – they can still get their needs met, but not at the expense of the other person feeling totally inadequate and put down.

One of the other group members offered this gem “if there is something you really want someone else to hear, then you have to couch it in a way that they will understand”. I do so struggle with that, the tailoring of whatever it is in order to help the other person feel comfortable. I see it as molly coddling, or pampering, watering stuff down. Why should I continue to play emotional caretaker? And if I have to be responsible for meeting my own needs, then why shouldn’t they? Why should I be responsible for not only myself but them too? This is the neglected child having a tantrum because she’s feeling manipulated into care taking. Maybe when the inner child feels safe, feels like she is getting her emotional needs met unconditionally, then maybe she’ll be able to view this situation in a different light. But right now she’s still fighting for protection and survival.

On reflection, I think that some of this behaviour stems from a communication pattern developed with my mother. She was so emotionally enmeshed with me, and dependent on me for her emotional support that I had to fight to keep my boundaries. I had to learn to be fierce and draw that line of fire around me across which she could not cross. Maybe I only had one good fight in me, at any one time, and so had to make sure that once she was down, she wasn’t getting up any time soon! [Certainly that seems to be her pattern, perhaps she developed it in order to protect herself from her father. And so it goes on until someone breaks the cycle]. To this day I keep her at arm’s length, and she still calls me “hard” and says “you have no compassion”. To be honest, I still don’t feel emotionally safe with her, and this is how I learned to protect myself. So in true human fashion I have applied the reaction across the board to any situation where I don’t feel safe, and of course the consequences are not pretty.

But when I do feel safe, I can let my gentle side out. One of the group members on the healing week spontaneously commented on how gentle she thought I was. Wow. It reduced me to tears. Nobody has EVER called me that before. [When I asked DH to say one word to describe me, he chose ‘ferocious’]. But I do see now that it is there, and it just doesn’t get much of an outing. Wondering how I can change this pattern of behaviour, I thought perhaps I could just practice feeling safe (even if I don’t feel safe) and act as if I DO feel safe and see what happens. More ‘letting go’, maybe. Kind of just jump and trust the net will be there. Not so much with my mother, because her side of the pattern is still set up, but with other people who don’t know me from a bar of soap. Imagine if I could automatically treat everyone as if they were on my side rather than starting from the position of them being the enemy.

And you know, the more I think about it, the times where I have done this in the past, I have felt good about the interaction, got my needs met, and came away with a pleasant feeling. When I use the enemy approach, I come away feeling anxious, shaken, like I’ve just done a round in the boxing ring, and sullied. So why don’t I take the friendly approach more often? The answer is that most of the time I just don’t think of it. I’ve already gone in boots and all before I even realise what is going on.

I guess it comes down to the first step of awareness – catching myself in the moment, before I react. Seeing the situation from outside, observing myself. Which means being more present more of the time, so that I am able to catch the moment. Then the second step is, in that moment, actively choosing a different path- choosing my response carefully and deliberately, instead of just using the well-worn knee jerk reaction. Taking more control (ironically) of my actions. And of my mind. Because my mind is the thing making the initial interpretation (enemy) of the situation, and unfortunately, due to some parenting hiccups, my mind has got off on the wrong foot.

But as an adult, I believe you reach the point where no matter how your behaviours developed, they become your responsibility to manage, and the time has come for me to make a solid commitment to adjusting this maladaptive conduct. Perhaps there was a time it served me, and I acknowledge and respect that as a child I did the best I could with what I had. Although that time has passed, I have not moved on, but rather remained stuck in that stage of development. Having become incontrovertibly aware of the whole plot, this is the juncture at which I must either accept accountability and do the work, or continue with the victim role and remain miserable, while being fully aware it is misery of my own choosing. Right now, doing the work seems rather daunting. I feel between a rock and a hard place. But while the rock won’t ever move, I know that with patience, awareness and persistence, the hard place will. And when it does, I will gain freedom.