Required Reading

I read a post today which I want to share with you all, because much of it sums up the way I feel sometimes, having invisible children of my own. It is from the Shifty Shadow and is entitled A Bundle of Absence.

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

New beginnings

Today brought my first 3 hr painting lesson, and it was most interesting.  We didn’t actually paint anything but we did fool around sketching landscapes to get the idea of composition.  I’m thinking about taking a trip out to the bush tomorrow and photographing the bushfire’s devastation, with the idea that it might make for an interesting landscape painting – which is our first assignment.

Following the class, I recommenced cleaning my friend’s house (I’ve had a lovely 5 week break) and it was hard work trying to get it back to my original standard.  I think it might take me a couple of weeks to reach easy street.
And after that I went for a swim.  In the local pool.  Yes, stop the presses, I actually got in the non-heated pool, for the first time in 3 years.  This is why:  it is finally heated!  It is an outdoor pool in a pretty cold town, and it’s only open in summer, but even then it’s still chilly in the water.  Which is ok if you don’t suffer from cold induced urticaria.  But if you do, then breaking out in huge welt-like itchy hives rather takes the shine off the idea of a nice dip. Anyway, they got a solar heating system going a few months ago and today was the first time I’d been able to go.  Bliss.
Of course, I have lost all my swimming fitness and was only able to do 12 laps in 20 minutes, which was rather abysmal.  But great to be out there.  I used to swim a km (or a mile, depending on which country I lived in) a day, but I haven’t had the option to do that since we left Derby in June 2003.  Over five years ago!  My, how time flies.  So I will be making the most of the pool until it closes at Easter.  Not long, but better than nothing.
Then I came home and promptly got on with making mulberry ice cream.  One of my friends has a huge tree laden with them each January and she’d picked me some on the weekend.  I’ll be making a batch a day till they’re used up – it should make about 6L I reckon.  Something will have to go from the freezer in order to make room.  Oh these hard decisions…
And there has been a bad smell in the fridge for a few days now, so while I was doing the ice cream I decided I may as well give the fridge a thorough going over, with the vanilla essence and all that jazz.  The job was originally planned for Monday but I talked myself out of it.  I do hope the problem is fixed.  I suspect something dripped onto the plastic ledge above the crisper and I am not sure if the smell can be totally removed.  I had to take to it with spearmint essential oil in the end, but it is a cover-up at best.
Now it is time to prepare the evening meal and I’m tackling a warm scallop salad.  Frankly, I’ve been on the go for the last 12 hrs and I’d rather be lying on the sofa with my feet up sipping a G&T, but the scallops were in the freezer, and I’m under pressure to offload from that area, so….
Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Low flying planes

VERY low flying planes.

It has been quite hot here over the last few days and I spent two hours exhausting myself oiling the railings on the top deck after lunch today.  Then I thought I’d have a nap, so turned off my mobile and unplugged the phone.  I could faintly smell smoke but I went outside to check and the sky was clear blue, not a wisp anywhere.  So I told myself not to be paranoid and rested my head for half an hour.  Then I could hear voices – I shouldn’t be able to hear any voices from my house, so I got up and looked outside and there was a bloody big cloud of smoke coming over the hill.
I got my proper fire clothes on, brought the fire kit inside, plugged in the analogue phone and it rang right away – my neighbour saying get your sprinklers out there’s a fire headed towards us. Yeah, no shit!  She told me the unit had already been called out and her husband was also nearby, so someone would be down to check on me soon.  DH being at work, and I thought, in Bunbury, I didn’t bother to call him until I needed to know where he had put the new sprinklers we just bought. Turns out he was in town, and ready to come home if I needed him.  Phew.
Anyhoo, the brigade was right onto it, I could see them fighting the flames as they almost reached the house on the hillside.  The voices I could hear were theirs,talking on the CB radio. I watered a bit of dead lawn and tried to hitch the ute up to the trailer with the water canon on it, and failed because it was too heavy to lift (being full of 600l of water).  A couple of nice blokes I’d never met before came along to see if I was ok, followed by my lovely neighbours. And by this stage it was all over, bar one or two bits of floating debris.  Much closer than last time, but much less terrifying, given the fire would have had to run two bare paddocks to get to our house, instead of a stand of Eucalypts.  Plus it wasn’t at the stage of being out of control.
So there we are.  Just a little reminder not to rest on one’s laurels, and keep the phone plugged in at all times.  I wish I’d got a photo of the water bomber dropping a load, though, it was VERY low, VERY loud and VERY impressive.  I guess people aren’t taking any chances, after last month’s episode- and the fact that the arsonist is still at large.
I do feel thankful for living in such a (mostly) caring, tight-knit community. It makes me feel exceptionally safe and well loved. (Apart from the arsonist issue).
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Test Results are in

So, after about 6 months of planning to go to Sydney and get these tests done, it finally happened in early January and I got the results back today. As follows:

NK cells: normal at 12% (High is over 18%)
CD69 activation test: normal at 6 (high is 8-10)

In light of this, Dr Sacks says he can’t recommend steroid treatment as a possible solution to my problem, because my problem doesn’t appear to be NK cells. I guess this is good news, since I wasn’t all that keen on taking steroids during a pregnancy anyway. What my problem is, however, still remains to be seen.

I asked if he thought donor eggs might help, and he concurred with the three other specialists I saw last year: you are producing normal embryos (only a few, but admittedly some) with IVF and there is no reason to go for donor at this time. In his opinion you only go for donor when you repeatedly get no eggs of your own from IVF cycles. He reckons the ectopics are not being caused by dodgy eggs, they are just plain bad luck.

His advice: persist with IVF and you may get lucky.

One thing did come back slightly high, though, and that was the thromboelasticography test I’ve been wanting done for ages (but you can’t get done in my state). In light of this, Dr Sacks went back on his original position of ‘asprin is a waste of time’ and said that for me, he would recommend taking asprin, but only when I found out I was pregnant, not necessarily all the time.

I did take asprin for four months last year, but as I didn’t get pregnant in any of those months I kind of stopped bothering. I didn’t notice any bad symptoms though, so I might just put myself back on it full time. This way if I do get pregnant (and I’m not planning to TTC this year, but hey apparently accidents happen *snort*), and something goes wrong, I don’t have to go “oh! I wish I’d got on that asprin sooner, maybe it would have made a difference”. It’s the second guessing I hate the most.

Anyway, as far as testing goes this is officially the end of the line. I have now had it ALL done, and the only things that have come back are positive for heterozygote (ALA677VAL) for the methelyne terahydrofolate reductase mutation (aka ‘MTHFR’) and a slight clotting factor. Is this really the problem or just a red herring? Will I ever find out? Who knows.

As for IVF, at this stage I fantasise about being ready early next year. I can’t take another loss right now, but maybe with a year of meditation up my sleeve things will look a little different. The lucrin wrecking my joints has also really put me off, but according to Dr Sacks there is no reason for me to use it again: I can do an ANTAGONIST cycle instead. Sheesh. Be glad if someone had have told me that sooner. Granted, I could have looked into it further myself, but also: I’ve done this whole journey and search on my own so far, and my ob/gyn could easily have brought up the option when I mentioned to him my dissatisfaction with lucrin at the end of my last cycle. (!!!)

I am so ready to change my IVF ob/gyn, who has never given me any of this useful advice. I have open referrals for a couple of other folk in Perth, so my plan is to get appointments with them sometime during this year, and grill them for the job interview, and then be ready to go with the one who makes me feel the most comfortable, (and has a handle on all my options!) maybe Jan 2010.

But now, it’s lunch time.

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Safe and Sound

The drama is over and we are all safe.  A dear friend of ours lost his property, car and work equipment but saved his shed and house.  There were a few other close calls, but no lives lost. Fires continue to pop up around the region, likely sparked by hot ash or pine tree roots on fire that spread a long way underground and then come out somewhere unexpected.

I’m totally exhausted and looking forward to giving my adrenal glands a good rest.  Meditation class tonight at 7.30 should help a lot.  I slept through my entire shiatsu session yesterday, and yet I continue to be tired today!
There are still things to put away outside, the curtains to re-hang, and the box of emergency equipment to update, but if I have all that done by the end of the week, I’ll be happy.
Have just finished 3kg batch of apricot jam and am now heading off for a nap.  Just can’t face the rest of the things to do list, so my hairy legs will have to remain unwaxed yet another day.  I will be lucky to finish preparing dinner (stuffed artichokes with grated beetroot and ginger salad and a warm salad of pumpkin and chick peas) at this rate.
zzzzzzzzzzzz
Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Photo Gallery – January bushfire

The fire rages out of control in Hester Cascades

Close up of Bridgetown with a pall of smoke beyond

Nestled in here you can see why we’re nervous

Creepy sky

No closer than this, thanks

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

As new information comes to light…

Bridgetown Town Hall 10am Saturday 17th January 2009.

Concerned looks. Agitation. Fingers held up to mouths. Nervous chatter. Information exchange flying back and forth as rumours are updated. The noise grows as the Hall fills. Stacks of chairs are brought in trolley by trolley until the back row becomes the middle.

We are all here to find something out, but we don’t know what exactly that something is. Will be. Worried glances fill the room as people search out those familiar to them, anxious for more news. Knowledge is power. Maybe.

Rubbing of chins, arms held close to the chest, absent minded smoothing of arms, chest, neck, cheeks, lips.

It seems as though most people here have something to say, although there are a few who sit in quiet contemplation, waiting for the announcements to begin. I think of the people who are not here because they are at home defending their lives and property, and of those who are not here because they are out fighting the fires, or coordinating information and manpower. Looking around the Hall I get a sense of this situation being one of the few times when the sense of community becomes palpable, embodied, something you can see.

The Hall continues to fill, people line the walls and it’s now standing room only. More souls hover at the entrance. The P.A stands forlornly unattended at the front of the room, the microphone silent and unapproached. The space is filled with sound, but soon there will be only one voice speaking, to a hushed audience. What will we hear?

Quiet Please. Dead silence.

First speaker comes to say this is an information session only, that a public debrief will come later. He tells us that someone else will speak shortly, then he leaves. Chatter resumes. The PA is not plugged in, the cord dangling forlornly to the floor and going nowhere. This seems particularly disorganised until I learn the town’s power is out. Speakers will have to shout from the stage and the crowd must remain silent.

Folk continue to enter the Hall, it is getting warm in here. Two men hover at the front table. Brian Moore speaks. He gives a synopsis of who will impart information this morning. He will say a few words, then the District Manager for the area in the department of Conservation, who took over managing the fire yesterday afternoon, will give an update, and then a representative of the police will speak. The information we receive is thus:

• The fire is not contained. It has spread north of the town, and is anticipated to go further north, towards Greenbushes and Balingup if the winds do not change.

• Although it has been through and left the Highlands area and Maslin Rd they are not considered safe, as fire could flare up again at any time.

• Burning trees on the roadside (eg: Peninsular Rd) could fall at any time. Take care on the roads and adhere to road closures: they are closed for community safety. Motorists advised not to use roads located in the Northern Quadrant of the area, especially near Hester. Honour road blocks, which will remain in place for 3-4 days until the areas are considered safe.

• Current Roads closed are:
o Maranup Ford Rd from Greenbushes to Brockman Hwy
o South West Highway from Bridgetown to Greenbushes
o Boyup Brook Rd to Greenbushes
o Any road will be closed on an as needs basis

• A map from FESA showing the fire movement will be updated on a regular basis and left inside the Town Hall for community information. If the Hall is locked, the map will be left outside.

• There is an effort to improve lines of communication vis a vis the overall picture, and co-ordination of the fire fighting effort has been moved to Kirup.

• Power outages have affected areas from Hester to Yornup. 50 Western Power poles are down in the area. There may be a delay restoring power to everyone, but they are concentrating on getting the town power up and running as soon as possible.

• The fire started Thursday 15th January, manpower was coordinated by local volunteers until Friday afternoon. The fire got up a major speed under hot North West winds, then the winds turned South / South East and drove it North, where it crossed the South West Highway very quickly. As of 10am it was in the Hester Cascades area. 90% uncontained. The arson squad are investigating.

• Current prevailing winds are pushing fire away from Bridgetown, towards Greenbushes and Balingup.

• ABC local radio is, for some reason, off air in the region.

• People wishing to volunteer their services please report to the Showground where a team is rostering support units.

Thus concludes the morning’s entertainment and everyone shuffles back out of the Hall amid resuming personal discussions.

I fill the ute with petrol, along with half of the rest of the town, and head off to the local supermarket along with the other half. I buy the last two of three mops, for putting out spot fires around or on the house, and some extra milk.

Mike has been to yoga, and bought the last generator from Mitre Ten. He spends two hours constructing it, while I make lunch, tidy the bombshell that has become our house, and attach handles to my new mop heads. Everything is still at the ready, and now we can rest. The day continues to heat up, the water bombers and helicopter continue to fly overhead, the wind continues to keep the fire heading away from us. I continue to hope that all my friends remain safe. Now we just wait and see.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

The Day After


This was going to be entitled homecoming or somesuch, but events intervened.

The cobbing workshop was great, catching up with old friends was lovely, Sydney kept us busy for a few days, seeing movies, specialists, eating too much cheap great food, and then we were glad to be home. I will likely write much more on all those topics, but strangely enough, the homecoming was more exciting than the trip.
We pulled into our driveway at 10.30 am Friday Jan 16th 2009. By 12.00 I was sitting down to a salad lunch picked from the garden by Mike. I hadn’t had a chance to visit the garden as I had been busy unpacking, washing, tidying, putting away. All was now complete, with a coffee in hand. I did the sudoku for a while and then felt a bit guilty about the business phone calls I had to make, so spent the next hour accomplishing that side of things.
At about 1.30 I thought, ooh good, the rest of the day is my own and I might phone my Mum. Then Mike came in from outside and said he didn’t like the look of that smoke over the hill and he might ring our fire buddy Mark to check out the situation. 10 mins later we were donning full body protection, boots and hats and it was game on.
Mike got the ladder out, up on the roof clearing gutters. I filled up both baths and all sinks, plus about 10 L bottles of water. Once the power is cut the pump on the rainwater tank won’t work, and neither will the one on the garden water tank. We have been ho-humming about spending money on a diesel generator for back up, but we’ll be buying one today if they’re not all sold out.
As I was collecting our personal documents folder and packing up the computer gear in a box, Mike was up in the back paddock bringing down extra hoses, putting sprinklers on the lawns, connecting the 600L water cannon (on a trailer) to the ute. Then I began soaking towels and old nappies (who’d have thought I’d ever get to use that bag of nappies my friend passed on to me, in hope?) and stopping all windows and doors, taking down curtains. There seemed an endless amount to do, and I had no idea of the time frame in which I needed to get it done.
My lovely friend S called to see if we needed a hand, and I gratefully conceded we did. She and her husband came over and helped us finish hosing down the house. The sky was looking terribly ominous, with a blazing red sun behind the darkest of clouds, yet standing beside these was the clearest of blue skies. It was hot, and we were all working hard. I filled up 6 pint glasses with water and kept passing them around continually.
The strong winds felled a big branch of an old white-ant-eaten tree, over the other side of the brook, which landed on the fence. The barbed wire snapped and the fence post was driven almost all the way into the ground. S’s husband helped Mike chainsaw it up and get it off the wire, then they went to help another mate who was much closer to the fire than us.
By this stage we had the old valve radio going, listening to the ABC radio which gave us updates every ten minutes. Between the area known as the peninsular and Bridgetown, up to Hester Cascades was being urged to evacuate if they were not prepared to stay and defend. I’ll admit I was VERY nervous. Mike and S’s husband had been to the top of the hill on our neighbour’s property to see what was happening and had decided we were safe for now, the wind had changed and was blowing the fire away from us. I went up later and had a look for myself, the hot wind blowing a gale on my back, plumes of smoke closer than the horizon, the town surrounded by black clouds. Mike lost one of his binocular caps but I didn’t feel like staying around to search for it for too long.
With all the prep work done, we went to bed at 9pm. (Still on NSW time, so it was 11pm for our tired bodies). It took me ages to get to sleep even though I was exhausted, especially anxious when the breeze came up again.
Saturday has dawned clear in our neck of the woods, but reports in suggest we remain on alert. The fire is still burning out of control and heading North (away from us). 6,000 Ha have been lost, though only two houses and no lives, thank God. I can hear the helicopter and the four water bombers that have started up again. The Hospital has planned evacuation procedure and Mike will let the Drs know he’s back even though he’s still technically on holiday. Fire control units are being sent from Perth (even though they have their own problems in King’s Park and Two Rocks). Part of the South Western Highway is closed, as is the Boyup Brook Rd, though Brockman Hwy has been reopened so technically we could leave and go to Mum and Dad’s farm nr Nannup. But we won’t. We’ll stay on high alert and I will attend the public meeting at the town hall this morning at 10am.
The weather report promises rain tonight and tomorrow, and I so hope it delivers. Each strong breeze outside chills my bones. It’s strange how your perception of something can change so quickly. In normal circumstances the strong cool winds in summer are a blessing. Today they are a curse.
I’ll update as I can, internet connection permitting.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Round-up: The Year That Was

To continue in the positive vein I have set myself for 2009, I want to end this year with a quick round up of all my/our achievements.  Making a list with DH this morning as we lay in bed trying to think what we had accomplished in 2008, I was struck by how much we’d done and how far we’d come.  

Jan/Feb: I have no idea what we did besides enjoy the summer!
March: A lovely 2 week holiday in Tasmania, from which I came back pregnant.
April/May/June/July: survived the ongoing ordeal of ectopic drama.
May: Took a leap of faith, stopped colouring my hair, and cut it all off.
June/July/August: major bathroom renovation; continuing brook line revegetation (280 plants).
August/September/October: fruit tree and berry orchard designed, constructed and planted, with espaliering started; construction of shade house; reticulation for all of the above.
October: had a lovely south coast holiday.
November/December: bought and repaired a vintage espresso machine; finished the last of my units for my Diploma of education and got a High Distinction.
I had lots of reflexology and shiatsu treatments, a bit of acupuncture, took a few herbs.  I did a course of Tibetan Pulsing, started the Artist’s Way, did a couple of felting projects, took up inner child work and started messing about with water-colours and art therapy.  Wrote more often.
I let go of a lot of resentment over the issue of childlessness; also chucked a heap of long-kept material stuff away.  I let go of a particularly toxic relationship I had stewed over for twenty years.  I got offered donor eggs from a lovely friend; I found three very caring specialists who all agreed we’d had horrible luck in the pregnancy game and thought there probably was something wrong but they couldn’t say what and that we could keep trying as long as we were emotionally able, just in case we eventually got lucky.  I finally felt heard and validated.  
I let go of the desperation around needing to be a mother, to have children of my own.  I found more peace and emotional stability.  I don’t think I’ve cried at a pregnancy announcement for at least 6 months.  I’ve enjoyed having the house to myself, my things where I want them, my time my own.  Staying in bed in the morning, napping in the afternoon, eating whenever, pleasing myself.  Not changing smelly nappies, worrying if I am parenting right, losing my temper at screaming children because I’m sleep deprived, maintaining a healthy relationship with my husband.  Acknowledging that I’m in the upper percentile of the world’s population as far as luxury lifestyle goes, and starting to appreciate more the things I have, rather than focusing on the things I have not.  Accepting my life as it is, and knowing that it’s actually pretty damn good.  
And not only knowing all this intellectually, but starting to really feel it on an emotional level. I think this year, even though I went through the whole pregnancy loss thing again, and it was the worst one so far, something has started to heal.  I can’t say exactly what, but I am more centred in myself, I have more peaceful moments than frustrated ones, I’m less miserable and maybe I’m even on the way to comparing myself less to other women my age who have children.  Less judging and finding myself wanting, lacking, losing.  Less finding fault in myself for not being able to reproduce like they can, so easily, so ‘naturally’.  
This year I have discovered feeling like I am fine the way I am, that my childless state is valid, that my lifestyle is legitimate, that I’ve done my best and that above all, everything is going to be ok.  I am ok.  And I’d like to acknowledge and thank you all for your indispensable support – I didn’t make it this far alone.
Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Farewell 2008

The steady rapid beat of a cicada thrums outside my windows and I can hear DH with his power drill, continuously constructing the shade house, piece by piece.  It is hot out there and he must be dedicated to his task, he’s been at it several hours now.  You just can’t keep him away from a job. And there’s always a job to do around here.

I, on the other hand, have managed, guilt free since lunch, to: lay about on the sofa reading a book; slope off to the cool downstairs spare bedroom for a nap, and muck about with some water-colours (the art therapy I have taken up in the last fortnight).  It is now almost 7pm and I feel like writing something – but what?  I still don’t know.
The festive season has slowed after a relentless start and it is nice to have some space to relax. Christmas day at DH’s sister’s place went off better than anyone expected and we all had not only a stress free event but found it actually quite enjoyable.  No family drama, no tantrums or sulks or miscommunications or snide remarks or sideways looks.  Just even conversation, nice food and drink, pleasant present opening and a few laughs.  That was probably the best Christmas present I received.  (Apart from AF not showing up as scheduled, but arriving 2 days later when social activities were on the wane).
As far as more tangible gifts go, the asparagus cutting tool MIL brought back from her trip to France won the most thoughtful and interesting award.  My Dad made my DH a birdbath and gave him a hybrid lime tree.  I got some nice soap and some interesting cooking ingredients including some strong mustard powder which you use as the base to make your own batch.  A pair of stainless steel ice jugs that hold their cold temperature well were a joint gift from my sister and brother to DH and me and we used them straight away with much success.  FIL gave me the autobiography of David Attenborough, which I am saving and DH bought me a French cookbook, which, upon closer inspection, primarily contains recipes including far too much offal, tripe, pate and other unmentionables for my liking.  I think I’ll use the omelette and dessert sections, but otherwise…
So then we got home boxing day morning and awaited the arrival of my family, who came about 2-3pm, enabling us to unpack, tidy up and have a short rest in the meantime, which was lovely. Turned out we needed the rest because it was one game after another for two days: quoits got the major look-in, with a round-the-world-darts comp for the hard core Harries who stayed up partying on.  The following day contained a boules comp and then a wander round the lawn with croquet gear and gin and tonics.  This game remained incomplete due to an engagement at our neighbour’s place, where he has the most amazing arboretum and beer (the best in the state) on tap.  Needless to say we dallied a while there and it was 10pm upon our return.  Too late to watch Kung Fu Panda.  We saved that for the following night when everyone had suddenly left us (the youngest in a flood of tears and cries enough to rent your heart.  He was having such a good time he couldn’t bear to be parted from the gang).  
We had been expecting another couple and their two kids but they cancelled at the last minute. DH went back to work today and I went to a much needed yoga class and a reflexology session. We are valiantly attempting to reduce the amount of food in the fridge (I bought nothing for Christmas besides 4L of milk, and asked everyone to bring only their leftovers, and we still have enough to feed the proverbial army) and starting to get really sick of meat.  I’m thinking of corn and zucchini for dinner tonight, fresh from the garden.  Skip the ham, turkey, silverside, chops, sausages, etc et al.  Seriously time to go on that diet.
Perhaps the cob building workshop we fly off to next week will shed a few pounds.  Bashing around in the mud for 8 hours a day for a week ought to do something, right?
Other upcoming events of the early new year include a visit to the reproductive immunologist in Sydney on the 14th of Jan, and an appointment with a GP who is also a yogi – Dr Swami Shankardev– for the following day.  THAT was DH’s idea – can you believe?  He came across an article in his yoga magazine and rang up for an appointment, since we were going to be in the neighbourhood.  I did say no more kooky stuff after Dec 31st 2008, but since I had no hand in that, I’m not counting it.
The kooky art therapy I mentioned earlier, will also continue into 2009, as I began the 21 day program late December, and I always finish what I start.  It consists of 3 paintings a day, working wet on wet, with whatever colour takes my fancy at the time.  First I imagine my grief (whatever form that takes, doesn’t even have to be specific) and choose the colour/s that feels like.  Then I feel ‘what is missing’ and choose the colours for the second painting, ‘breathing in’ those missing colours as I work.  The third piece is a combination of the first two – the transformation of my grief as the ‘missing’ is included.  I don’t really get it, I just do it, and maybe that’s the point.  Then after 21 days of that (or realistically when I get back from NSW) I make another appointment and take along my pictures.  I am assuming they will then mean something to her, and we go on to do further work.  But who knows?  I’m not sure it is much actual counselling, but maybe this is just the first step.  I’ll have to wait and see.
After the 3 pieces I usually do a couple of fun paintings on dry paper.  They aren’t actually ‘of’ anything, just colour and brush strokes really, but I like the peace it brings.  While painting I’m not actually thinking ANYTHING and there is no other state I have found in which to achieve this.  Not yoga, not meditation, not even sleeping.  So I’m liking it for the process rather than the outcome, which is a novelty for me.
However, writing has been the main casualty as time is not unlimited, and to fit another activity in means some other activity gets left behind.  I’m undecided on whether to take my water colours on ‘camp’ with me.  Perhaps I’ll take my journal instead, and do some writing.  I guess the painting can wait, just as the writing has.  Ebb and flow.  Flexibility.  It is all good practice for trying to achieve that elusive balance.  I’m glad to be alive and have the opportunity.  Each year since the horror that was 2005, I have said “next year will be better” and it never has been.  I kept trying to make babies, and kept losing them, in 2006, 2007 and 2008.  
Next year WILL be better.  Because I am changing my focus, my intent, my attitude.  I will not be trying to make babies in 2009, I will be re-creating myself.  Concentrating on thoughts and actions that fulfil me, instead of dwelling on absence and lack.  Giving myself over to the here and now instead of the imaginary future I thought I was entitled to.  And if I can have one year free of pregnancy loss it will be the most enormous gift I could think of.
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments