To continue in the positive vein I have set myself for 2009, I want to end this year with a quick round up of all my/our achievements. Making a list with DH this morning as we lay in bed trying to think what we had accomplished in 2008, I was struck by how much we’d done and how far we’d come.
Jan/Feb: I have no idea what we did besides enjoy the summer!
March: A lovely 2 week holiday in Tasmania, from which I came back pregnant.
April/May/June/July: survived the ongoing ordeal of ectopic drama.
May: Took a leap of faith, stopped colouring my hair, and cut it all off.
June/July/August: major bathroom renovation; continuing brook line revegetation (280 plants).
August/September/October: fruit tree and berry orchard designed, constructed and planted, with espaliering started; construction of shade house; reticulation for all of the above.
October: had a lovely south coast holiday.
November/December: bought and repaired a vintage espresso machine; finished the last of my units for my Diploma of education and got a High Distinction.
I had lots of reflexology and shiatsu treatments, a bit of acupuncture, took a few herbs. I did a course of Tibetan Pulsing, started the Artist’s Way, did a couple of felting projects, took up inner child work and started messing about with water-colours and art therapy. Wrote more often.
I let go of a lot of resentment over the issue of childlessness; also chucked a heap of long-kept material stuff away. I let go of a particularly toxic relationship I had stewed over for twenty years. I got offered donor eggs from a lovely friend; I found three very caring specialists who all agreed we’d had horrible luck in the pregnancy game and thought there probably was something wrong but they couldn’t say what and that we could keep trying as long as we were emotionally able, just in case we eventually got lucky. I finally felt heard and validated.
I let go of the desperation around needing to be a mother, to have children of my own. I found more peace and emotional stability. I don’t think I’ve cried at a pregnancy announcement for at least 6 months. I’ve enjoyed having the house to myself, my things where I want them, my time my own. Staying in bed in the morning, napping in the afternoon, eating whenever, pleasing myself. Not changing smelly nappies, worrying if I am parenting right, losing my temper at screaming children because I’m sleep deprived, maintaining a healthy relationship with my husband. Acknowledging that I’m in the upper percentile of the world’s population as far as luxury lifestyle goes, and starting to appreciate more the things I have, rather than focusing on the things I have not. Accepting my life as it is, and knowing that it’s actually pretty damn good.
And not only knowing all this intellectually, but starting to really feel it on an emotional level. I think this year, even though I went through the whole pregnancy loss thing again, and it was the worst one so far, something has started to heal. I can’t say exactly what, but I am more centred in myself, I have more peaceful moments than frustrated ones, I’m less miserable and maybe I’m even on the way to comparing myself less to other women my age who have children. Less judging and finding myself wanting, lacking, losing. Less finding fault in myself for not being able to reproduce like they can, so easily, so ‘naturally’.
This year I have discovered feeling like I am fine the way I am, that my childless state is valid, that my lifestyle is legitimate, that I’ve done my best and that above all, everything is going to be ok. I am ok. And I’d like to acknowledge and thank you all for your indispensable support – I didn’t make it this far alone.
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