Twice I was told today that I looked like I had lost weight. One person even said I was looking skinny! Which is odd because since my prac, (where I DID lose weight -dropping to 51k kg/112 lbs) I have [somewhat unsurprisingly] gained weight from months of inactivity and a couple of weeks of solid high calorie post-loss binge eating, and am now back to 52.5kg (115.5 lbs).
Admittedly, I have also been hibernating for the past 6 weeks, first to pretend I was still on prac so people wouldn’t ask me why I wasn’t in school and I wouldn’t have to tell them I was pregnant because if it was going to end in tears I wanted to keep it to myself as long as possible. And then when in did end in tears I had to shut myself up and bawl on the sofa for a week before I was ready to face the world, and then I got knocked flat again with the recent BFF pregnancy announcement and had to climb back into bed and further lick my wounds, once again with the dependable help of the chocolate box.
So, I’m back to where I was before I began my prac (on the outside appearance, anyway). Strange to think that same appearance can look thinner to the passerby than it did two and a half months ago. Does this mean people had a fatter image of me? Anyway. It was nice to hear that I still look ok on the outside, even if my insides are still tumultuous and my thoughts are occasionally black. My face gives away most of my feelings as it is – if there was some kind of x-ray device that displayed one’s inner world on a screen for all to see, I think my friend count would drop rapidly.
Things have been HELLA busy here at the Hollow over the past week. Below, I’m plagiarising part of an email I wrote to a new friend, recently. Because I am lazy and busy and running out of time and I want to post what I have been doing and you can’t sue me for cheating.
Before that, though, the back story: My Mum stayed last Thursday, DH’s dad arrived last Friday, a few fine friends came over Friday to help get the last of the revegetation plants in the ground, Mum left, FIL stayed til Tuesday. On the Saturday a friend and I went to watch him do traditional circle dancing at the Balingup Medieval Festival and that would be a whole other post in itself if I had the energy. Totally worth going once, for the experience of ogling crazily garbed folk getting right into the theme (at the level I imagine one would find at a Star Wars convention, say) but unless it is your bag (not mine, I’m happy to admit) probably not worth going again.
On the Sunday, I found out the BFF pregnancy news and literally collapsed in a heap sobbing my eyes out in the corner of the kitchen, then took myself off to bed for the rest of the day (except to cook dinner for DH and FIL). DH was on call all weekend and constantly called in, so FIL had to plod along on his own, thankfully distracted by a huge project: moving stuff, cutting stuff up, building stuff, digging stuff up and putting paving down, in order to quicken the pace for the contractors arriving on Monday morning, and they were all there still working til the end of Tuesday. AND NOW WE HAVE AWESOME WATER PRESSURE AND SOLAR HOT WATER!!!! Whoo HOOO!!
Unfortunately DH woke me up at about 1pm this morning, crashing around looking for a possum or something he heard on the verandah, then I couldn’t get back to sleep because my mind kept ruminating, and so I tooled around looking for Australian surrogacy websites online and joining up and posting my plight and asking for help. The birds began to sing as dawn broke at 6.30 and I finally fell asleep, but DH woke me up again at 9am when he had to come back upstairs and into the bedroom 3 times before going to work, because he kept forgetting things – belt, phone, etc.
Then I got up anyway, had breakfast and went back to bed to relax and read, had two nuisance calls and then one from my mother letting me know a close family friend who is terminally ill has got about a month left – cancer has spread into her brain now. Great.
Got up again, had a shower (JOY! over the last 2 days we have had 3-4 tradesmen here installing our new solar hot water system and it totally ROCKS – but I have been busy making them lunches, teas, coffee, cake, etc) and then I notice the slashing contractor has arrived to do our paddock (he never calls first) so I had to rush outside and put pink tape on all the new trees we planted so he didn’t mow over them, plus a bit of pruning so he could get past a big tree. Try to throw down some lunch as I work. Oh lord. Meanwhile, 2 loads of washing and a couple of organising phone calls, then I had to pack the car with the 5 trays of seed I sowed yesterday, ready to take over to a friend’s glasshouse. Paid the contractor, drove into town, took knives to the butcher’s for sharpening, collected a book from the library, withdrew money from bank, collected tax return docs from accountant and bought bread. Dropped seed trays off at friend’s, had a quick cup of tea then off to meet my Wed arvo walking group, and we walked an easy track for an hour, but I was exhausted by the end.
Phew. Home at 5.15pm, get into house and good friend is leaving me a message so I pick up because I have to reschedule our sleepover weekend, we talk for 35mins, meanwhile DH comes home, I try to get dinner ready, then dinner is ready and eaten and he gets called out to the hospital to remove a foreign body from a person’s eye. He’s still there. I’m ready for bed!
So much for my well-planned ‘take it easy and maybe an afternoon nap’ day. Scoff. Tomorrow is housework and prep for a Fri night arrival of house full (4 or 5 I think) of guests for weekend. Gotta run round re-making spare beds, hoovering, washing floors, cleaning bathrooms (just said farewell to FIL on Tuesday, he’s been here since last Friday night) but at least I’ve already washed the sheets. I’m almost falling asleep just thinking about it all.
That was Wednesday. Thursday was a massive house-clean run, with a bit of spring-clean side-track thrown in, and today I started back at painless pump class, and ran around town doing quick shopping and other chores, then late lunch and crawled back into bed for a much needed nap. Just off now to grab a conifer-tree delivery from a friend’s place, then home to do a nice lentil soup for dinner, and greet the guests.
I’m still sad, but I’m not debilitated. And though I am appearing to be super busy, I’m still doing the work of grieving, crying as I hang the washing or make the beds, or run into friends down town who haven’t seen me in ages and have no idea what I’ve just gone through.
There’s a lot to discuss about the surrogacy option, but that can wait. Unfortunately the trees cannot, and so I must bid my faithful readers farewell and hope to return before my holiday in Darwin and Bali begins next Thursday….
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