So here’s a funny thing. Some of you might remember last year when I lost my ectopic pregnancy, my BFF in a similar situation got pregnant two months later. Unfortunately she lost that baby (her second loss). You know what’s coming now don’t you? I had a horrible feeling this would happen, and it has. She’s just got pregnant again this cycle.
I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart. I think this one is going to be a keeper, and it is going to remind me forever of the loss I’ve just had. My little one would be ‘that’ old now, going to school, etc etc. I don’t begrudge her a pregnancy or a child, but the timing sucks to high heaven. I am totally devastated. I simply cannot watch her belly grow big over the next nine months. I cannot do it. I cannot share this with her. I feel churlish and mean but I feel totally overwhelmed and traumatised by this turn of events. And because I can’t handle the pain of watching her complete her dream, or be there for her during this pregnancy, I feel like I am also losing a friend, and a dear one at that. Which compounds the pain of it all.
The distress I feel right now is just indescribable. DH points out that she was there for me during this last pregnancy but I have to argue that it is not the same. She has had two losses and is in the statistical category of having the same chance as any normal person of carrying to term. When she was supporting me, she was about ten months out from her previous loss, and she’s about 5 years younger. I have hardly any chance at all of ever carrying to term, I am one week out from my last, and in all probability final, loss, nearing forty with a grand total of eight children who will never share my home or my genetic material with me. Maybe she would be just as supportive as she has always been, even if the positions were completely reversed. Maybe. But I can’t do it. At this moment, I can’t think of a worse emotional situation to be in.
Right now I feel as though I just want to go dig a very deep hole, climb in and bury myself forever.
16 Responses to Open wound, insert salt. Or: for fuck’s SAKE, why does the universe hate me so much?