All is quiet on the Western Front

Everything is really good at the moment.

Had haircut last week, it looks great.  I’m easily maintaining my weight at around 51kg (112.5lb), and still not eating sugar.  I fit into ALL my clothes (well, except for the ones that are now too big for me). We have extra money in the bank even after the tax bill and my recent spending spree.  Just bought a new sexy and very large fridge that doesn’t leak or make the cheese go mouldy.  Next week is our final pre-donor egg cycle counselling session, and then we’re meeting with the clinic nurse to get our orders for the IVF cycle.  I got (most of) my [40th] birthday invites out last week.

The housework is under control.  I finally finished my house-wide clear out (and BFF took most of the crap down the markets, made good money on it and gave me a decent cut!).  I’m doing my daily drawing homework.  Today I spent 2.5hrs on some painting homework.  I put my weights up in pump about a month ago and this week they finally felt bearable.  I’m getting stronger.  I’m meditating at least 5 days a week. My skin has settled down after a month on the pill (though as I am suppressing my period, waiting for donor to catch up, I am experiencing mild pre-menstrual type cramps from time to time and am noticing that I am ever so slightly cranky).

Perhaps it is this last item that is contributing to my flatness, as it is difficult to pinpoint anything else that is wrong in my life (apart from the obvious).  I’ve been ‘blah’ all day.  A great yoga session didn’t shift it, nor did an enjoyable painting session or the fact that I ‘allowed’ myself a totally chore free day, and didn’t touch the memoir project or the decking oil.  I haven’t tried to shift it.  I’ve just tried to keep checking in on my mood, and noticing that it has remained stable at ‘dull’ all day.  And I’ve also noticed that my desire to eat to soothe myself has been prominent.  Also my desire to ‘escape’.  I watched a DVD, and ate a few things I didn’t need to.  I didn’t judge myself for giving in, but neither did giving in make me any happier.

So maybe it’s the thing where when there are no problems to solve, nothing to worry about, and everything is plain sailing and nothing really needs my attention, then the awareness that I have a gaping hole of sadness or emptiness in my life starts to bubble through.  It is unsettling.  I am aware that it would be helpful to sit with it and face it, but as yet I haven’t found the wherewithal.  It generally passes, so I get lazy and don’t do the work.  But it always comes back.

Now it is Sunday, and predictably, the flat mood has passed.  Today I feel quite energised and motivated.  Did an hour of memoirs, and 4.5hrs of oiling the deck & railikngs (North and West sides).  After this writing I will go and fit my meditation in before heading off to a friend’s place for afternoon drinks and nibbles.  It is hot, and I have hard enough of hard work.

DH is banging away over at the guest cottage, doing the insulation and rodent-proofing project.  We have a huge contingent of guests coming this weekend, for the aikido workshop, and on tomorrow’s list of things to do is get the hoover out and clean up the mess he’s made over there so we can use it as accommodation.  Plus I still need to clean out the old fridge [that a hippie mate is (hopefully) coming to take away tomorrow afternoon.  We’ll see.  You can’t really trust hippies to be reliable].  And then I will oil the East side and the second story (off-the-bedroom-balcony).  Plus a yoga class.  I desperately want to get into my potting shed to clean out and organise boxes of jars (the quinces are pretty well ready to pick and I’ll be making preserves again soon) and time keeps flying by with no broccoli, beetroot or dill sown.  Sigh.

But, you know, if I wasn’t this busy I’d probably just be sitting around moping.  So it’s all good.