Today I found my tail. You know, the one I’ve been chasing for a month or so now. It was there all along, just buried so deep under a pile of life that it wasn’t visible. But now I have finally caught up to myself and it feels good. Thursdays I do try to keep free for creative pursuits and self development, but recently they have been sucked into the morass of chores for one reason or another and it feels so nice to have today to myself.
This morning I made some ice cream (the very popular passionfruit/vanilla/lemon curd flavour); put the 2L of indulgent leek-heavy chicken stock I made yesterday into the freezer; watered the seedlings I transplanted yesterday with worm poo juice; made the pine-bark mulch delivery man a cup of coffee and chatted to him while my semolina sourdough mixture was resting. It is now in tins, and will hopefully rise by 3 or 4pm, then go into the oven and out again in plenty of time for us to leave the house for a friend’s dinner party.
Last night I went to the opening of the exhibition of work from my art class (and other classes who share the same teacher). I didn’t submit anything. There was some good stuff there, and I would have bought one I particularly liked if I had $250 to spare. Which I don’t. It was lovely to see people’s creative efforts, and realise that a small group of people made it happen, and made the experience of art classes available for the whole town. A year ago, there were no classes here, just one evening class in a town half an hour away. A friend of mine wanted to learn to paint, so she got in touch with the teacher and the TAFE department, and rallied around town for students to join, and hey presto three art classes a week for different levels were available, and thirty people presented works last night. At least quadruple that could have if they’d wanted to. I think that is such an incredible achievement, and yet another reason why I love living in this community. People just band together and make things happen, instead of complaining about “‘they’ should have this” or “‘they’ should do that”.
Although I would still like to file a complaint about why ‘they’ can’t make it possible for me to carry a child to term. I really hate the powerlessness that goes with not being able to achieve something you so desire, even when you do everything you can and slog your guts out to achieve success. It really sucks.
Further to this topic, we have now booked the counselling sessions with our donor egg friend (and her partner) for 28th November. After that, we have to wait the mandatory 3 month cooling off period before we can cycle. I’m bummed that I didn’t discover this information earlier, and made the counselling sessions happen sooner. But I guess realistically, given my last pregnancy, we couldn’t have done it much sooner as I wasn’t in any fit mental state to go forward anyway. Sigh.
It also transpires that the new doctor I recruited in Perth recently (who was great, by the way) won’t take my donor on as a patient because she doesn’t have private health cover. So I spent a day ringing around the other doctors in the clinic to discover most won’t either, and of the three that will, two did not have even initial consultation appointment slots free until March or May next year. The last one is the doctor I just left because I didn’t like him (and he is also the one that deals with all the surrogacy issues). Again, sigh. I think I will stick to Dr Thompson and my donor is ok about going with Dr Mazz, she just needs to book an appointment date now. So, we can think about cycling March 2010. Between now and then I need to decide if I am cycling and doing a retrieval at the same time as my donor, and still keeping my ear out for a surrogate.
Meanwhile, I am into my second week on the T3 treatment. I spent a week on 10mg daily, and then upped it to one tablet in the morning, one in the evening. At least half to two-thirds of the time, I feel like I have more energy and less groggy. I also notice that I am RAVENOUS a lot more often through the day, and am eating at least 4 meals, sometimes 5 (not all big, but more than a snack).
My saliva test results for adrenal function came back and morning AND evening cortisol levels are higher than the lab would like, though still within ‘normal’ range. Just not ‘optimal’ range. Which would indicate my adrenal gland is working harder than I want it to, and I need to cut out caffeine, sugar and alcohol for a good while to see if that helps it any. Also, I have been meditating 6 mornings per week and will continue that practice, to see if that lowers my stress levels.
And further to THAT topic, I have had 4 sessions with my new counsellor over the last 5 weeks, which are going really well. (Thank you, thank you!!!). We began by sorting out some major issues around my problem with BFF’s pregnancy, which was great, because now I can see her on a weekly basis and ask about the baby and not have a sulky tantrum. I even bought her some maternity clothes for her birthday. I still do cry a bit and say I wish I was still pregnant too, but I think that’s pretty normal and valid and she wishes the same for me also.
The other issues we’re working on include identity (especially around societies notions of adult females = mothers, and how left out of those groups I continue to feel), notions of adulthood, and how I don’t quite feel I am one, lacking a full time job/label and the children that I feel might distinguish me more as an adult. Connected with this is the idea that being driven into adulthood through wanting to escape a shitty childhood and adolescence means you haven’t flowed into it gradually and found your new identity, you’ve just kind of rushed in and stuck the outfit on, hoping it would make you seem ‘real’.
Interestingly the other thing that came up at that session was the guilt (which produces anxiety) that I feel if I don’t fill my day with productive things and make sure everything is perfect. So I am again ‘driven’ to avoid the guilt/anxiety by being unkind to myself through overwork and exhaustion. And where you are driving, there is no room for flow and relaxation. So, the same themes seem to keep cropping up again and again, the more work I do on myself, the more the answers tend to point in the same old direction. Amusing, no?
What I am working on, (and have already been and probably will always be working on!) is awareness, as often as possible, of my choices. Not trying to hurry away from the bad feeling by making a choice that is not kind to ME. Sitting with the bad feeling and waiting until I can identify a choice that is kind to myself. Letting the ‘judge’ or critical inner voice tell me I am lazy and selfish and accepting that voice, but not acquiescing to its demands. Reinforcing the centred, relaxed, flowing version of myself, rather than the impulsive, reactive, hard taskmaster version. The hard thing is to believe (being worthless and all – see previous posts) that I DESERVE to choose kindness. But I think the best bet for now is to just steamroll over that, and whether I think I deserve it or not, do it anyway. A fake it til you make it, kind of approach.
And segueing from that topic into this – my counsellor has offered me a new version of presenting myself to people in public. In the past I have shied away from gatherings of new people because conversations about who I am and what I do and whether I have children tend to produce a lot of anxiety for me. I haven’t felt I’d anything to present that would meet their expectations, and they would judge me as lacking. Here is the new idea: present myself as something I believe in, as something I am choosing, as something that sounds fantastic, and as though I am enjoying my lifestyle. It is all in the manner. Right now I say nothing, so they take the lead, and I get defensive and wish they wouldn’t barrage me with a hundred questions I don’t want to answer. But if I was more proactive, and repackaged the product, the outcome would be totally different and I would feel much more empowered.
For example, on the topic of children: “I’m afraid that’s a rather sensitive topic and I’d rather not discuss it at the moment. I’d be grateful if we could just steer clear of the whole subject of children – yours or mine. But I’m really happy to talk about ……” GARDENING!! COOKING!! etc.
And what do you do? “Well I am fortunate enough that my husband’s income supports us so I am able to spend my time running an organic, sustainable smallholding. Last year we put in an espaliered fruit orchard and this year we planted several truffle-inoculated oaks and hazelnuts. I sell some of my produce to the local health food shop and enjoy cooking with my seasonal vegetables, making my own bread, jam, pickles, ice cream and quince paste, among other things. It keeps me pretty busy, and in my spare time I manage the building that my husband works in.” There, now. Doesn’t that sound so much better than “oh nothing much, just housework and a bit of gardening.”? Much more impressive. Don’t you just want to be me now??? Ha Ha Ha. And then if I find out they don’t garden, I can say “You don’t have a GARDEN??? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU*??!!!!”
So there you have it, the last few weeks of my world in a nutshell.
To catch you up on things I might have mentioned in previous posts a while ago:
1. My yolates class has been cancelled because my teacher is pregnant.
2. Our dining room table is now complete and in situ and is bloody fantastic.
3. Our solar hot water has been running like a champion and even on the cloudy days recently, we have not had our booster on in over two weeks.
4. Our solar power is up and running and mostly meeting our daytime power needs, except when we get cloud cover for the whole day. Even then it still meets at least half. In ten days or under we should be connected up to the grid, and will be able to sell the surplus back to the power company. This is making me rethink all my power usage – I am now avoiding doing things that will “eat into my profit” like washing at night, or leaving the pantry door open with the light on.
5. I am about halfway finished getting my summer crop of veges in the garden. Next week…
6. I sold 25 globe artichokes for $25 to the health food shop this week, and printed out a sheet on how to prepare them, adding in several recipe ideas. I hope it takes off!
7. Next up today: making Christmas cards. I started them in Perth two week’s ago, at my creative friend’s house, sewing scraps of Christmassy looking material together. Now I will machine sew them onto coloured card I got from the post office last year (red and green) and turn them into Christmas postcards.
8. On a similar note, while I was in Perth I also did all my November birthday, and Christmas shopping. That feels great.
9. I am thrilled with the fabulous pieces of clothing I scored at the op shops while there.
10. My hair has been cut again but I don’t like it as much this time, so you’ll have to wait for my December cut for a pic.
I sometimes wish I posted more often, and then my readers may get a series of smaller posts. But I imagine, in actual fact, if I did post more often, you’d just get more long waffly posts. So. Anyway, you’re all caught up now. If you got this far.
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*A response someone once gave to me when I told them I didn’t have children. Except they didn’t say garden, they said children. Obviously.
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