Here we go again

Oh look, it's my annual post!

Having just re-read my previous post from June last year, I see that not much changed for us pandemic- wise.  Our state still only has 9 recorded deaths from Covid and for almost two weeks now has not even had a single case in hotel quarantine.  (And obviously no community spread). We had a week of full lockdown in January, beginning the day before school Term One was about to begin (and I had a ROUGH summer, my mental health was in the toilet and I REALLY needed Louis to go back to school, so it sucked extra hard) and Perth had a three day lockdown over the ANZAC day long weekend late April, which meant two important guests for Louis' birthday party could not attend, but we could go ahead with the party in our region.

And that's been it.  No masks, no restrictions of any great note.  I am still extraordinarily grateful for our position and I am sure there is so much more to write about the absence of Covid in our lives, but if I begin on that topic I will never get to any of the other topics.

This is the problem.

It has always been the problem.

Too many thoughts, too hard to get them on the page as fast as they come, too many connections to all the other things and the swirling swirling swirling - I can't catch them in time and something crucial gets lost and then I just give up because it is ALL TOO HARD.  Because I don't have all day to sit and just write and get it all out and then polish it up and I'm drowning in everything else.  I want to make a plan to write, but I never do.  And if I did, I wouldn't stick to it.

And can you guess what I discovered, finally, this year?

I have ADHD.

Oh yeah.  Boy, do I ever have ADHD.

I had booked my diagnostic appointment for Feb 2nd, but of course our ONE week of lockdown began on the 31st Jan, so the next gap in the psychiatrist's schedule was April 22nd (the day before Louis' 8th birthday).  Nothing like trying pack all that into the same week.  After having waited six months.

Anyhoo.  It is done now.  It explains a lot of things and makes a nice bookend to the autism diagnosis, which also explained a lot of things.

I have started on Ritalin LA (long acting) and gone from 10mg to 20mg and I think there is some benefit but it is really hard to quantify because it doesn't seem pronounced or even particularly consistent and of COURSE I have been sick for the past two weeks (winter) which is not helping in the least.  I'm incredibly nauseated and dizzy and fatigued to the bone and none of that makes me want to get on and 'do' very much.  I don't quite know how I stumbled into writing this post to be honest.

Let me retrace my steps. Here is how it went:

As I was driving Louis to the bus stop we saw a small mob of white tailed black cockatoos by the side of the road and I took some pics with my iphone.  When I got home I got my camera out because I sent the bird pics to my sister in law and she sent some raindrop on roses pics back and I thought I ought to get one of my rose, with my new (birthday present) Tamron 90 Macro lens. Then the cockatoos flew over my property and I started wandering around trying to photograph them (but failing because I don't yet have a telephoto) and whatever else took my fancy with the macro lens. When the rain picked up enough I came inside.

I wanted to see the macro shots and to maybe send one to SIL, but that required me to get on the computer, transfer them from the camera and the iphone (which required a software update) and while all that was happening I checked my netvibes and read my one blog that is still active. She is at the beginning of long summer school holidays in the US and was asking for ideas on how to spend her free time, so I posted a comment (which I rarely do).  And that made me need to check the website address of this blog, and then all of a sudden, I am sucked in to this rabbit hole.

Um, so yeah, ADHD.  That's a really great example of how my brain moves me from one thing to the next and I end up somewhere completely off track. (And that's the short version).

Now I'm just going to post this, and then I am going to see if I can figure out how to upload some photos on it. 

Sigh.  It's so demoralising having to re-learn things ALL THE TIME.  I've given up trying to pretend I can keep some things in my head- such as how to adjust my camera for light and shutter speed on various settings.  I've been dealing with cameras since I was 15.  But I CANNOT remember how to do this, if I am not doing it every single day.  I could re-learn it, yes.  But then if I don't pick up my camera for a month, *poof* out it goes.  Like it was never there. Didn't matter HOW many times I 'learned' the difference between classical and operant conditioning for my psychology degree, as soon as the exams were done - *poof* - GONE.

ADHD.  Maybe better suited to those who have set up their lives to accommodate going with the flow a lot more than having to keep shit together and micromanage stuff.  I love the creativity side of things.  But I don't do well with responsibilities. 

Actually, that isn't true.  I do amazingly well with my responsibilities BUT it takes every ounce of effort I've got and I'm regularly in burnout and stressed and have a shitty immune system because of the pressure that puts on my nervous system and immune system. And it's mostly all I can manage to do, because there is never enough energy left over for anything else.  Especially the creative dabbling.

I am hoping the Ritalin can give me that space back.  And if not, then perhaps a change of medication might help.  I know it's commonplace to have to try a few and I'm aware this could take the rest of the year to tweak.  That's ok.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say if my next post arrives before June next year, then I've made some decent progress! 

E.T.A. I have spent the last hour trying to get photos on here.  I can figure out the process but the method is just too slow.  My computer is old and everything is tedious and laborious and makes for frustrating work.  I am going to start putting pics I want to upload here into a dedicated folder, and when I upgrade this thing (Whenever the new 16in mac book pro comes out, hopefully this year) I will dedicate myself to making this work.  But not under these conditions.  It's like torture.