The first bit of news is that B got her period, finally, and has today begun the drugs for the final cycle. I will update as information comes to hand.
The second bit of news is not really news, but it is the fact that I am worn out and run down and have been in a big funk for the last few weeks. Pulling my back muscles and then straining a tendon in my wrist just as I was about to head back to the gym after my three month hiatus has almost been my death knell. I am so low and dispirited, and unable to use most of my normal coping mechanisms (gardening, housework, gym etc) to pull myself out of the hole. I feel like I am hanging on by a thread. That thread is probably my therapist. Lol. And my lovely DH, of course.
I don’t have anything to give anyone at the moment and have withdrawn from my usual friendships and activities. More than likely it is depression and I’ll keep an eye on that. What I plan to do first of all is head off to my parents’ property (while they are on extended holiday) and do a kind of retreat for a week or so. Mediation, yoga, no outside interruptions or distractions. Just to be in solitude and sit with this and let it out. The plan is to go out Monday night and come back Sunday evening, but I’ll play it by ear.
I’ve handed over the IVF cycle reins to DH, who can be the info go-to man, and sort out any clinic stuff ups that might occur. I just can’t do it even one more time. I really am done. This is my limit, and I recognise I have reached it and now I just have to concentrate on my own needs, and I’m sorry if that adds to anyone else’s workload but that’s how it has to be right now.
On Tuesday I had a massive meltdown. Kind of like PMS to the thousand. This worried me for two reasons. One, because I felt like shit, obviously, and was questioning my sanity. The second was more anxiety producing. My last cycle I got my period at 8dpo, giving me a seven day luteal phase. I was very angry about this, having spent shitolads on acupuncture and herbs to lengthen it out from the usual ten- and here it was shortening further. But when my temps didn’t drop below coverline at AF, fears of pregnancy set in. My meltdown could have been my subconscious fear that I was pregnant, but it ALSO could have been a hormonal indicator that I really was pregnant, because that is exactly the shit that goes down in my first week of pregnancy and I only link it in after I get the positive test. Then I go, OH, that’s what that was about.
So I have been testing since 9dpo (at 9, 12 and again today at 14dpo). All have been negative, though this morning’s test showed a kind of faint line, but no actual colour as such, just a kind of groove. It is all very nerve wracking. My temps are still up. Last night nausea started rearing its head, and the low down grumble of my uterus began. Both of these signs appear before my period. It could be that my uterus is getting ready to shed whatever blood it has hung onto since my period a week ago. The acu said my temps would stay high until the retained blood was shed. But why is my uterus retaining blood? Either the herbs I am on are making my whole system go incredibly wonky (including the crankiness), or I am pregnant.
The only way to know for sure is to get a beta taken, and now it is Saturday, that’s impossible. Monday morning I can do it, results Tuesday afternoon. More waiting, more fear. I know I am in no position, emotionally, to cope with another miscarriage right now. Added to that the possibility of a failed donor IVF cycle, and you can see where this is headed. And it is not pretty.
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