More grist for the mill

I haven’t written my own responses to these yet, but I want to get every last thing down as it pops into my head, and you can feel free to tell me how you feel about these issues first.  Nothing should be left unsaid, so if I’m not saying what you’re thinking yet, I want you to speak up!

• When we get our period

• What long-term TTC does to your sex life

• Always waiting for something.  Waiting to ovulate, waiting to pee on a stick, waiting for your period, waiting for the next cycle, waiting for an HSG, IUI, IVF, a medical appointment, a result.  Waiting for a miscarriage.  Waiting for an egg donor, waiting for a surrogate, waiting for legal appointments and counselling sessions, waiting for approval, waiting for people to call you back.

• Buddy groups on fertility forums.  It’s great to hang out with people also TTC, but then what happens when they get pregnant and you get left behind?  Over and over and over again.  You want to connect with others in similar situations, for support, but it’s a double-edged sword because any time they can jump to ‘the other side’ and leave you behind.

• How awkward it is when the pregnant people then want to stay on in the group, even though the agreed terms are they leave after the first trimester.  How many groups have you been in where even after the birth ‘other siders’ were still there in the group, creating yet another us v them situation where ‘us’ felt like we had to watch what we said, and watch another of our safe places disappear?

• Being on the ‘other side’.  What comes with this? I have no idea what this feels like but I think we need to hear from those who do, and include it in this story because for many people it is part of this journey.

• When your cohorts move to ‘the other side’, and get IF amnesia.  Post endless snippets of baby doings on facebook.  Stop commenting on your blog and only talking about baby-related things on theirs.

• Doing an ivf cycle or other fertility treatment the same time as someone else.  They get pregnant and have a baby, you don’t.

• Suckaversaries.

• Telling people we’re pregnant and then having to ‘un-tell’, -that we miscarried.  Telling people we’re doing an IVF cycle and then telling them it failed, or was cancelled halfway through, or before it began.

• How your friends becoming parents changes your friendship with them.  Less time together.  Awkward. A lot of things go unsaid, uncomfortable feelings on both sides.  Their attention shifts to the baby and conversations are constantly interrupted.  It feels fractured.