Two steps forward one step back

view from the sickbed

A relapse of vertigo had me bedridden yesterday, and it was not much fun. I woke in the night, and sensed I was wobbly and spinning, quite like one does after having had far too much to drink the previous evening, only I had not had anything to drink. I knew it was the dreaded vertigo returning, but tried to pretend I was just dreaming and would be fine in the morning. Not only was I not fine, I woke to hot flushes and intense nausea, as well as barely being able to stand. I didn’t have a headache, but took a zofran wafer anyway, thinking it might be the beginning of a migraine as well, and I couldn’t have coped with that on top of the spinning. The flushes and nausea subsided after an hour, so zofran was my best friend. Went back to bed and lay as still as possible, with my eyes shut, for several hours. Probably about four. I got up briefly to force down some cereal, then back to bed (as above). By 1pm I was able to sit up and do some stuff on the computer, and eat lentil soup. Later on I was able to read a bit. By 7.30pm I was able to get up and eat dinner, a special omelette made by DH. By 9pm I was back in bed with lights out. All in all not a very productive, nor enjoyable, day.

The previous day a kind friend (who is also my yoga teacher) came around and gave me a one-on-one lesson, aimed at helping my immune system recover. Unfortunately I think something in that set triggered the vertigo. I felt great that evening, but sadly that didn’t last! Needless to say I didn’t go to my usual Wednesday yoga class today. I think this has pretty much put me off any form of exercise until I am completely well. I am trying not to fret about how much weight I will put on before this ordeal is over. I seem to be still fitting in my clothes ok, but I feel fat, and I have not dared get on the scales as I don’t want to be depressed about something which I can’t control right now. I could, of course, cut out all the carbs and sugar. And maybe I should anyway. But so far I have been using them as a bit of a crutch to get through. They are probably holding me back though. Sigh. I just keep thinking, “it will end any minute now and I can get back to normal”, but it just goes on and on.

My period is due tomorrow and it better come, is all I can say. My temperature chart was looking a bit too much like a pregnancy chart there for a while. That is all I fucking need right now. Temps did go down but came back up yesterday. I won’t be happy until I test negative. I can’t even trust a period, after what happened last cycle…

Maybe I should have named this post one step forward and two steps back.

Anyway, the step forward, I think, is the visit from the drafstwoman on Monday, to draw up plans for an extension off our bedroom that will be my art studio/sewing room/reading nook/meditation space/. I have been dreaming of it for years, but tend not to be very proactive about doing things that involve spending a lot of money on my (unproductive and strictly pleasurable) self- as I may have mention! So DH finally took the phone in hand and called her up and she came over that day. It’s kind of scary. It might even be done by the end of the year. Then what will I do??? I’ll have to use it! Lol. DH said, “Stuff it, we’ll just put it on the mortgage, that’s what it’s for, isn’t it?” I guess at least we’ll actually GET something for the money, unlike all the dosh we’ve poured down the IVF drain so far.

Speaking of IVF, our donor/surrogacy cycle is less than two weeks from beginning. Wow. I feel like even saying this might jinx it from starting. Like a small bird that is easily scared away if you move suddenly. Don’t mention the cycle or it might just spontaneously combust. It all feels so tenuous, and out of (my) control. Which, of course, it is.

I managed to get quite a remarkable amount of things done today, considering that I am still woozy. The ironing wasn’t among them, sad to say, so that will await me tomorrow. I did, finally, get around to photographing the beautiful shawl (also cunningly positioned in the sick bed view), so treat you to a look:

We are off to the cottage in Walpole at the weekend (unless some dire health issue rears its ugly head) to celebrate DH’s birthday (Monday). I am steadily accumulating stuff to take. It always ends up bigger than Ben Hur, because we have to take food, bedding, firewood, fuel for the generator, etc et al. But it is what DH really wants to do for his birthday, so I am happy to make the effort, and spreading the packing over a few days helps a lot. (How big was Ben Hur, anyway? I’d really like to know.)

Speaking of effort, I just got a phone call from a couple of friends who are going to call around in the next few hours. Which puts that at dinner time. So I’d best be off to rustle something up. I was going to try to finish off the leftovers, but there is not enough for 4 and only half of it is vegetarian. Chickpea and fennel soup it is.