On and on and on

The update for Monday’s bloods: 713. Doubling time 40 hours. Still normal.

Had another blood draw today, results tomorrow. It’s either blood draws or results-hard not to be thinking about this when it is front and centre of every day. Nausea has eased off a bit. Metallic taste in mouth and food tasting awful is still present. Brown spotting also. Two symptoms I had with my first ectopic, but not with the other pregnancies. Terrible cramping Tuesday night that woke me up, waiting for fresh, bright red blood- but nothing came.

We’ve booked a scan for next Thursday (9th March). That will be 6w2d if we get that far. Mostly we book them and then cancel them because I’ve already miscarried. I wonder if we will make it to this one. A week is a long time in early pregnancy land, especially at my house.

Meanwhile, because the bloods are so far all normal, I feel I have to give it the benefit of the doubt and pull back a bit on the exercise and chore front. Slow down, rest up, take afternoon naps. I can’t be giving myself any reason to blame myself if this goes south. So it’s yoga only at the moment, and I told my teacher today I was pregnant (she knows my history, but got really excited anyway- I still can’t fathom that reaction in people) and I am going around to her house tomorrow so she can do me up a program that’s safe. For what it’s worth. I feel very much ‘one toenail in the water’ right now. I’m certainly not going to jump in at this point, no matter how many people are in there, urging me to join them.

What will tomorrow’s result be? Will I get as far as the 6w scan? If I do, what will we see? Anything? Nothing? Will we have to go back the following week? Etc et al. I wish my head would shut up. I think it’s time to pull out the meditation program tomorrow, before I send myself insane.

Had counselling this afternoon. Always very helpful, and especially now, as there are not many people I am talking to about this. DH and BFF know, the yoga teacher only because she needs to, and my little brother and sister. I told our surrogate yesterday. We’ve got our final counselling session coming up and everyone needs to know before then. I would prefer it if no-one mentioned the fact of my pregnancy to the clinic, and M is fine with that. She is also fine with carrying on with the surrogacy program regardless of the outcome of the pregnancy, which is a huge relief to me, as that is what I want, too. She is so amazing. I think we would be wasting time not to get on with it, and if by some rare chance we ended up with two babies 3 months apart, that wouldn’t be the end of the world. So, nothing to lose. I hope the egg donor sees it that way too. I haven’t told her yet, am waiting til she gets home for the weekend so we can talk properly. I hate having this secret. It feels so wrong, so dishonest. And so isolating. I hate the thought of not telling my gynae, but hate the thought of him stopping the surrogacy if I do. But anyway, that decision is a few months in the future, so no need to be getting quite that far ahead of myself…

DH is off again for another five days, on aikido camp. I could go along, and not train, but I kind of want to be in my own space right now, and as much as I hate the blood draw/result cycle, I want to keep doing it, and it is easier to do it here at my own hospital. I will miss him badly. Having him around is really helping keep me on an even keel, and he’s pitching in with the chores like a trooper and really looking after me. Yesterday I began the quince paste project, but he ended up stuck at the stove stirring for four hours because I became completely exhausted after we’d got past the chopping and softening and adding sugar and stirring for about an hour (so, about 2hrs in) and had to go and have a nap. He basically spent the whole day at it (when he had a lot of other things he wanted to do instead) and never complained once. And it’s the best batch we’ve ever made. 35 pots of it, 6 kilos of quince. Hardly made a dent in the basket of fruit though. I think I will make jam while he is away (much quicker). But as for how I will entertain myself the rest of the time. ? Books, DVD’s. Maybe some art. Meditate. Yoga.

BFF is going to Broome for a week, next Wednesday. She’s off to Perth on Friday for a day trip. Perhaps on the weekend we can catch up. Her house settles Friday, so she is busy collecting the last of her belongings and plants from there tomorrow. So sad. I really feel for her, losing her house and her husband. Thank god she didn’t lose the baby too. Small mercy.

So. Here we are. 5w1d. I have survived eight days of this. I have the same amount of time again to face before we get to the first scan. Can somebody please distract me???