Beta Update

Spotting now, DPO 11, and if tomorrow is CD 1 I get to phone the imaging company and book my HSG for Tuesday next week.  What fun!

Also coming up: A trip to Perth from Tuesday-Saturday next week, which will include an appointment with the recurrent miscarriage specialist (Wed), the geneticist (Fri) and the reproductive endocrinologist (Fri).  Way to pack it all in.  

I was considering asking for a referral to a new IVF clinic (my old referral is bound to have run out by now and I’m thinking of switching for the hell of it) and maybe trying to get an appointment with a potential new doctor there, but DH says it might be too much to squeeze in for one trip.  I think he is probably right.  But I do want to get that ball rolling soon, mainly so I can get some information for my Wonderful Donor, and hook her up with a teleconference or something so she gets the whole procedure straight in her mind.  Her husband has given the go ahead, and at the moment we are all thinking about December as a possible date for cycling.  

We are both still mentally preparing for this next step. DH would like, ideally, to give my eggs another go – we did get two relatively normal embryos once, after all.  And we still don’t know if it is the eggs making the problem, or the  immune system.  But will we ever know?  We won’t know if donor eggs will work either, unless we try them.

Of course I would love to try with my own eggs too, but I feel my body only has so many IVF drug attempts in it and I am not far off the limit [ I seem to have a nasty reaction – each time I do it, some major joints fuck up and are never the same again.  So far I have done both elbows and both wrists – they became weak and easily injured, then they became injured and have never properly healed, and are easy to re-injure (eg: bringing in a load of wood can ruin my elbow for months).  I read that this could be a side effect of lucrin, so the second time it happened, I mentioned it to the Doc- he’d never heard of it and didn’t seem that interested.  Typical response.  However, I am interested and I’d like to keep joint mobility for as long as possible thanks.]  

Then there is the option of trying for another ‘natural’ pregnancy, but frankly, we could be waiting a while, and what will have changed to improve chances of success? – nothing.

So it feels like time to be answering the big question – do I want a chance at mothering, or do I just want to pass on my genetic material?  I think I am now ready to let go of the whole ‘child as genetic link to self’ dream and accept a different part of the mothering dream.  After all, I have had almost five years to get to this acceptance, the question has been with me for at least three of those years.  It is not a sudden decision, nor one I am taking lightly.

I could see the DE option as less than I want, or I could see it as imperfect; I could see it as unfair that I don’t get to have a baby my way or like other ‘normal’ people; I could mourn the loss of what will never be – and all of those views are valid on some level – in fact they are the very steps I have been through, over time.  But now I can see another side.  I see the DE option as part of the reality of my having a chance at becoming a mother.  I am able to see it as a gift, not a loss.  Something that has the potential to add an important dimension to my life.  It’s special.  Not everybody gets the chance to create life in such a way.  And not everybody has the blessing of friends willing to give such an enormous gift.  So.  I say: Bring it on!

And if it happens to work.  Well.  Let’s not get ahead of ourselves….