Well the gonal F is rampaging through my system now and I’m about ready for meltdown. I hate this time of the cycle. Will likely have first ultrasound Friday or Saturday. We are hoping for egg retrieval on Tuesday, but time will tell. (Very happy not to be waiting around after that for transfer, I can tell you). Had a cracking headache on Monday – painkillers did nothing so I resorted to sleeping the afternoon away, but the headache was still there when I woke up. Highly unpleasant. I thought it was going to turn into a migraine, so thankful for small mercies that it didn’t. And that I haven’t had one EVERY day.
Been trying to do too much as usual. After guests left last week I came down with a cold- Tuesday I left drawing class in the middle of proceedings, and stayed in bed all Wednesday. Finally got the house cleaned (post party beer spillage etc- horrid) on Thursday. Went to Busselton on Friday (DH haircut, me acupuncture et al) then on to my folk’s farm to stay the night and help prepare for my Dad’s 60th the following day. I stupidly left my T3 at home, so had to drive a 2hr round trip to get it. (Remembered everything else: presents for Dad and brother, booze, sleeping equipment, clothes, IVF drugs, needles, sharps container, chinese herbs, toiletries, ugg boots, extra shoes, the kitchen sink. But not the pills).
Stayed up til 1ish, crashed, then got up and helped clean up the next morning (Sunday) and hung around til after lunch. DH needed to be home for 2pm cycling (forest mountain biking) and I did washing, tidying etc. Monday got that gonal F headache after yoga, put myself to bed. Tuesday drawing class, then chores in town then bridge lesson then catch up with BFF (whom I haven’t seen for 2 weeks). Wednesday (TODAY) DH drew my blood before breakfast, painting class at 9am, chores in town including paying two lots of car registration and posting my blood off to the clinic express; home for rapid lunch and quick consult with DH about positioning of trees that needed to be planted; back into town to clean friend’s house, then straight over to other friend who I haven’t seen since my party and whose birthday was the 9th. I wanted to give her her present before I headed off to Perth (tomorrow) for another week +.
I got home this evening and had a meltdown, of course. DH, the treasure he is, took it in stride. He’d done the dishes and a load of washing and was cooking me a lovely scotch fillet tender steak dinner with mushrooms and roast potatoes. Bless his heart.
Tonight I cancelled my felting workshop (june 3rd-7th) because the thought of driving home from Perth on Monday 31st, cramming two lots of art, bridge, cleaning friend’s AND my place, into Tuesday and Wednesday again, then turning around to drive back to Perth Thursday 3rd almost made me slit my wrists. It was a sensible decision but I’m sorry that yet again, IVF has put the kybosh on something I really wanted to do.
And I’m getting to the point where IVF just isn’t something I really want to do any more. If I can drag myself along to IVF#5 (donor egg), I think I will need to stop there. Either for a good long break or forever. This stage of my life is now giving me the utter shits (yes, I know the drugs ARE talking here, but even so) and I want to move on. I am ready to move on. I hope I have the strength left to battle the surrogacy process, but who knows. I am just so worn out. If I wasn’t meditating in the mornings I would have broken something by now.
I am also ready to quit my cleaning job/swap. It will mean forking out $40/wk for the yoga/shiatsu/compost turning that I currently swap for, but it will mean 2hrs a week extra to myself, and I think that’s more important than the money right now. It will be a bummer for my friend, and with her being my donor, I do feel that bit guiltier leaving her in the lurch, but still, I have to look after myself. I can’t do everything and that is all I can drop right now.
Come on winter. Art classes finish in June. The Mad May rush of birthdays (I have about 20 to present or card for) will be over. Preserves will be finished. For better or worse, donor egg cycle will be done by the end of July. I can focus on hibernating, and watching lots of TV series on DVD. And playing bridge with my old ladies, who meet once a month to play all day by the fire, eating their way through the menu at the Truffle farm restaurant in Manjimup. God that sounds like heaven right now.
I can’t face packing. I think I’ll leave it til the morning. Chill out in bed playing bridge on my computer. With my ear plugs in, though, because DH is jamming in the studio under my bedroom. Sigh.
Do I really need kids? This life seems hard enough.
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