Yesterday I had my first headache. And I’ve already begun to be weepy. I’m always amazed at how quickly those hormones get to work on my mood. I felt like having a little cry at the end of yoga last night, after the relaxation. Probably not helped by standing across from a very pregnant woman who was rubbing her belly ALL CLASS LONG. I don’t exactly know why that shits me at the best of times, but it does. It really gets my goat.
And last night in bed DH said “I’ve got an early start tomorrow – D&C for a miscarriage” I almost cried for the poor woman, whoever she is. And then I thought “Shit, that might be me in a couple of months.” And a feeling of dread crept in a bit. Not trying to be morbid here, just speaking my mind.
See, I’ve been thinking about the possibility of failure this cycle, in fact, assuming it from the start. But failure in the sense of a BFN (Big Fat Negative pregnancy test for those of you lucky enough not to know about such initialisms). Now the reality of the cycle edges closer, I am reminded of the other type of failure: that I may well be pregnant, but only for a short time. I am ready for a BFN. But as I discovered last night, I am NOT yet ready for the emotional impact of another miscarriage. The thought of it brings a lump to my throat and hot tears spring out of my eyes, even as I type this. I just don’t want to go there. I’m not ready to muster the strength needed to climb out of that pit of despair.
However, ready or not, the game is in play and the end will be what it will be. The countdown continues…
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