teeny tiny tantrum touching on time-zone tossers

So it’s 5am and my husband’s mobile rings.  I’ve been lying awake since 2.45 so it doesn’t bother me that much.  But once upon a time when I was a good sleeper, it would piss me off no end.  You see, I’m not thinking “OMG, there is some kind of disaster – no one would ring at this hour otherwise!”  Nope.  There are two other options to consider first.  One, it’s the hospital (even if  DH is not on call, sometimes he has to go in to assist, especially to give epidurals, and they NEVER come at a reasonable hour of the day.  Why IS that?) but generally they call on the landline so it’s probably not them.

Two, and much more likely, it is a lame-brain from the Eastern States who hasn’t learnt to subtract.  That’s right folks, Australia, surprise surprise, is a BIG country.  So big it has TIME ZONES.  Six of them even, if you count Eucla, which you should, because you don’t want to discriminate against size, do you?  Here’s a handy time zone map for you to refer to when you’re having trouble.  I’m assuming that even though you don’t know how to subtract, you can still use a computer.  I could be giving you more credit than you deserve.

Anyway.  I’m just not sure why the Eastern Seaboard has so much difficulty remembering that:
1. Australia has more than one time zone.  Did we not learn this in primary school?
2. Their time zone is NOT THE ONLY ONE in the country.  (see above). Everyone else remembers.  We don’t call THEM at midnight.  Have they noticed?? Is it that superiority complex they suffer from, impeding their memory?  Is it that, on average, Eastern Staters are a few percentage points dimmer than the rest of the country?  Or is it simply that they just don’t give a shit?
3. Their time zone is AHEAD of the other time zones.  Therefore they will need to do SUBTRACTION to work out what time it is in another part of the country. (Is subtracting two or three more difficult than adding two or three?  Is this why it is easier for us in the West, because we just have to add on?)
4. Not every state has daylight saving.  THIS is a big one to remember, and where most of you Easties fall down, I have to say.  That extra hour in the summer, ya know?  WE DONT HAVE IT. Yes, our Government introduced a trial over the last 3 years but we voted it out again, like we always do.  Sorry to confuse you there for a few years, but if you are unsure, there are plenty of search engines that will help you clarify the situation.
5. If you are unsure of the time zone you are calling, you can USE one of those handy search engines before you dial.  Is my sleep not worth five seconds of your precious time?

Now, before all you Eastern Staters jump all over me, claiming that YOU have never been guilty of this crime, I will tell you that SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE EASTERN STATERS (You might also be pleased to know that some of my best friends are also gay, black, Jewish, paraplegic, infertile, and hideously politically incorrect).  And these Eastern friends of mine can mostly count and mostly remember to count before they dial.  So this is how I know it is possible to achieve such a feat, and I will believe you when you tell me you always get it right.

Because we’re not talking about the upper percentile on the bell curve here, we’re talking about the other end.  Although, from the amount of calls we get (mostly from businesses), it would seem that the other end is heavily skewed.  How many people can hold down a job, but not successfully subtract two or three from a given number?  Far, far too many, it would seem.   Natural selection is clearly lagging on fulfilling its remit.

Now, I know that this post will not, in any way, shape or form, reduce the number of calls we get at 5am from idiots who cannot count.  But I’ve used my no-sleep time productively, the sun is coming up and I am ready for breakfast, and most of all, I feel better now.

Thank you for listening to my rant.